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god didn't make gardens

Submitted by CCfire on Thu, 2011-04-21 05:10

god didn't make gardens
for us
to murder flowers
strange we can do it
without the sight of blood

without you
i can breathe
without me
you can pray

for indistinct faith
and impossible stories that
make men

a woman's experiment

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
brevity...sorry had to post it, sitting in my brain and it needed writing before I forgot it :) could be cut back I think
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

Thu, 2011-04-21 05:55

Eduardo Cruz's picture

The beginning in the Garden, Caine and Able.Yes we do stifle each other to breathlessness (shit is that a word)
it's all going to hell in a hand basket.A we think we are the rulers of the world (men). what's the old saying, "behind every man there's a woman" or is it, "In every man there's a woman" hahaha!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

paper umbrella

Thu, 2011-04-21 18:00

god didn't make gardens
for us
to murder flowers
strange how we can do it
without the sight of blood
without you
i can breathe

without me
you can pray

for indistinct faith
and impossible stories that
make men

a woman's experiment

just a few suggestions? the ending break is great, the intro tripped me a bit

Marie Marshall

Sat, 2011-04-23 05:48

This is a little gem, but again another poem where the title sits uneasily. Have you ever considered doing without separate titles and letting your first line be the title?

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

CCfire

Sat, 2011-04-23 06:49

CCfire's picture

I think that's what Lilian was trying to convey but I wondered if that worked..I do actually like my first line a lot lol..will try it and see

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

Rottiestyl

Sat, 2011-05-21 22:07

Rottiestyl's picture

I love the 2nd stanza. We are all individuals, with minds to construct, mold and destroy at will. I have to disagree with the first, not the writing, it was wonderful, the meaning. Although laying in God's fields of flowers would be the ultimate action, to take some before they die, to give a bit of longer life, to be able to have a piece of that beauty sit inches from me and my favorite chair is a small slice of God in and of it self. But, I loved the piece as a totality. I look at things sideways at times, just ask Jess, lol.

Rottie - Kim
(V)

Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.

By: K. Mulroney

" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."

CCfire

Sun, 2011-05-22 02:07

CCfire's picture

I think it's good to look at things sideways sometimes, thank you for the great comment, always interested what people take out of my poems.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
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