Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

a time forged in ash

"if not winter, when?"
they are not words i wrote
i have borrowed their beauty
from sadness the poetess gave them
entwined in my own
subtle twists to tales
an ebb and flow that
makes women sigh and
men raise arms to fight

a past season when
snow gave landscape depth
no horizon

an unclear path
hidden until spring

i may have heard the song
listened to words you wrote
wandered beside a river while you
told me every dream you held
and like a little boy
your face flushed
speech tripped over syllables
as water over rocks

i knew fall and
turning of leaves
red and gold
a gentle rain and your hand
held softly to my mouth
hushing regret formed
as those words came by

if not winter, when?

i would love you thus
when silent streams
replaced the rapid rush
i would close my eyes
and bring you to life
among the mountain ash
its boughs
breaking with weight
from deepest drifts
and you would love me
until all night had passed in shadows
'til daylight beckoned
we danced past consequence
until conscience called

if not winter. when?

the thing about lifetimes
so many choices are waylaid
no altar holds prayers for love
when a goddess deemed it

a season yet to come

if not winter, when?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
The repeated words are from a Sappho poem (Ode to Venus) they stuck with me.
Editing stage: 

Comments

THIS is simply exquisite CC!

A story elegantly, poetically told in crescendos of images that feel--all the right stuff of poems, memories and dreams...with your unique gift: your voice.

The repetition works as if a meditative gong, at least that's what I thought I heard.

~A

This rushed out of me, not many have the tendency to do that but this felt right from the moment I began it. I wish it could be this easy but then artists would be such boring people then :P

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

yes indeed this is exquisite stuff...has a ring to it with repetition of the line "if not winter, when"...

raj (sublime_ocean)

I thought that would be the title to this poetic write since you emphasis it in this. I can only write how I feel now after reading this. It speaks to me as well. Makes me a tear, this write for it is of a loneliness maybe, a very strong feeling you possess as you are writing it.
I can see you now deep in thought with it all. The river rock and the resemblance you made in this write is outstanding. I can not give good crit now but leave my feelings to page here CC. You blew me away and I walked by the riverside with you on this one. It touched my heart at this moment in time...many sighs comes a tear to my eyes I shall read it again...This is poetry to me when it speaks, when it talks, when I can hear it's sound and this one I so heard and felt.

Love to you Sis
Mona

I love this part the most

i have borrowed their beauty
from sadness the poetess gave them

Thank you Mona, yep must admit to shedding a few tears when this one was finished.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

i don't have time to give this a critique, but just stopping to let you know that i feel it :)

Thanks Lil, always nice to hear you say that :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

like this poem. Me too.

vexations

Thanks Vex, yeah it is one I guess a woman knows only too well :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

Thanks Ros, the snow can make hearts melt even if the cold sets in later.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

Thanks Ros, the snow can make hearts melt even if the cold sets in later.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.