THE ILYAD

In Paphos, one momentous spring, (when nothing much was happening)
A rock-fall in a tomb caused consternation:
Behind the rocks, revealed at last, a great epistle from the past
In ancient Greek, which needed true translation.

Unfortunately for us all, to translate what was on the wall,
A vagrant Scottish drunk blagged his way in.
What follows is his woeful verse, which made a bad job ten times worse
In his grave old Homer’s having quite a spin
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We Start with Paris; Trojan prince, who walked with a decided mince
One drunken night in Greece got off with Helen
This Grecian was no “pretty woman” (her DNA was barely human)
She weighed near 30 stone with BO smellin’

That night, sailing for Trojan shores, Paris was cut off in mid-snore
And landed on the floor among his lover
Her glass eye,wig and pearly teeth, with wooden leg hid underneath
Made Paris fear what else he might discover

And when a voice rasped from above; “Haw Paris, can I get more luv?”
The cultured prince decided he must end it.
“Coming precious” Paris lied, then threw himself over the side
But was hauled in by a sailor he’d “befriended”

His father choked and couldn’t speak, when first he saw the ugly Greek
Then yelled “You stupid boy, get her away!”
On hearing she was coming back, the Greeks assembled to attack
And launched a thousand ships to make her stay

And so began the siege of Troy, with Gods and heroes (pretty boys)
That’s for another day - this author’s done
But rumours say the wooden horse was entered at old Ayr racecourse
Romped home in the 3.30 ------ 10 to 1!