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LADY IN RED, LADY IN WHITE

This one is a "textural tone" poem, in the sense that it needs to be RECITED to better understand the intended rhythm and texture of the piece.
I'd be interested to hear any thoughts on howc successful you think this was.
P.S. The reference to "sectional fantasy want" is just an internal architectural joke...
Psyve
.
.

LADY IN RED, LADY IN WHITE
-------------------------------------------
© Cyrus Dali Vesuvala

Lady in Red, oh Lady in White,
Radiant Lady in brilliant light!
Lady in White, oh, Lady in Red,
Lady I prayed ye would hear what I said:
. Now I'm older,
. Hold her,
. Boulder, your head needs a
. Shoulder tonight…

What have you seen, oh, where have you been?
Open your eyes: viridian green!
You're Boulder by day, I'm bolder by night-
Your shades have turned darker, you're shedding the light…
. 'Cause I (one-two)
. Want to
. (One-two-three) want to free
. Lady in White…

The Lady does plot, the Lady does plan-
The Maiden's afraid he's a ladies' man!
The Lady does plot, the Lady does plan-
The Lady turns into a sectional fan-
. -tasy want.
. Does he need her?
. Writing this song hasn’t
. Freed her…
.
.
.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Difficult to hear when the music isn't there
as that will finish this song.
There is great rhythm in the positioning of the words I suspect!

Love Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Thanks for reading.
 

Guess it DOES need a recording to understand....

Strangely enough, simple as it is, this is a song that I have found difficult to record satisfactorily and all the recordings I currently have are less than satisfactory.

For those who may have some interest in music theory, this one was written on a 3/4 meter... i.e three beats to a bar, with the first beat of every bar accented. There are 4 bars to every  line of this song.

The lyric follows suit and runs something like this:

La dy in / red (2...) oh / la dy in / white (2...3..)
Ra di ant / la dy in / bril li ant / light (2...3...)
La dy in / white (2...) oh / la dy in / red (2...3..)
La dy I / Prayed ye would / hear what I / Said , Now I'm

Ol (2...3..) / der (2...3..) / hold (2...3..) /her (2...3..)
Boul der your / head needs a / shoul der to / night (2...3...)

 

Of course, having laid down that particular bit of regimen, and designing the song around that piece of meter many years ago,  I recently went on to try singing that in 4/4 meter, adding an extra beat in every bar.... which lent it a very strangely  latiny-oriental feel ....lol....

Psyve

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