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To be human
To be human
I do it because it is there
And I love to be home and hosed
I take wrong risks
And want to be settled and married.
I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply
I spread my memes,
Not my genes,
I give, love, lose and win
I live.
and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-05-17 08:34
ta mate,
glad it worked for someone. Frankly I expect it to be slammed in critique. Over-use of "I", introspective sentimentality.
But that's what I felt when I wrote it, it is honest to me.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-05-17 08:36
Jess, is this poem open to
Jess, is this poem open to workshop?
The only critique I offer is to end your poem with
I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply
rather than repeat in the middle of the poem.
Also, maybe because there's an Aussie meaning I don't quite understand *hosed* for me has no value.
~A
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-05-17 08:40
Not for specific workshop.
mmm, I don't want to end with
I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply
because that panders to artificial concepts of romantic love and life-fulfilment. Will lose the repetition, now you mention it.
"home and hosed" is an old saying, referring to horses being comfortably stabled after a long journey.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-05-17 09:20
Hmmm. I thought I left a
Hmmm. I thought I left a response. For me, love capitalized is Universal Love, that can and does include romantic love which is hardly ever artificially pandering except with Hallmark Card type poetry.
Thanks for the explanation of house & hosed, hadn't heard that before.
I too wrote on the same subject this morning, will post after the 24-hr rule. Would be interested in your take, Jess.
~A
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 00:58
Wouldn't wish my genes on anyone, mate.
How much of it is genetic is arguable but there are heart disease, cancer, alzheimers and mental disorders on both sides of my family.
My memes will do.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 03:56
ok, I get the message
I will impregnate someone first chance I get.
It's on my to-do-list for tomorrow with find a lover.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Nordic cloud
Tue, 2011-05-17 09:48
Oh this is so neat Jess,
Oh this is so neat Jess,
and I see no reason why "I" should not be used, who said it shouldn't and on what grounds, is it the proletariat that have coined the idea and abominate the sentimentality of the past poets of the Romantic period, I think possibly so, but as Joe says, was t? It all depends on HOW one does this, and if "I" is taboo, then all that I write is so too. Perhaps I hear you say YES, okay, touché, but I shall not discontinue for that. What I write is mine, and I decide what it shall be whatever way it is later judged.
But to return to this little piece, I like it from many points of view.
I like the ending as it is too.
Love Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 00:59
Mant thanks Ann, a thoughtful review.
I was just afraid that "I" might have felt over-used rather than as effective repetition.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-12-05 11:39
oooh you wicked, twisted man!
proud of you.
But sincerely doubt Ann would consider carrying my demon spawn.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2011-12-07 08:19
:)
:)
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 01:02
That whole last stanza is new.
Not sure about it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Kailashana2
Wed, 2011-05-18 05:43
I am such a person of whim,
I am such a person of whim, fancy and emotion, mercurial mind. Mostly like a darting hummingbird.
Today, we shall offer this for your perusal:
To be human
I do it because it is there I am
And I love to be home and hosed
I take wrong risks
And want to be settled and married.
I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply
I spread my memes,
Not my genes,
I give, love, lose and win
I live.
and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.
See, all fixed. ;-) (It's as though you're channeling the Anna meme.) lol
~A
(the last stanza is kick arse!)
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 06:10
when giving critique it really helps
to put the changes suggested in [square brackets], the poem re-written makes it really hard to compare.
The line
"I did it because it was there " was a quote from Sir Edmund Hilary after climbing Mount Everest. So it stays.
thanks Anna, you are one of the best, just make it easier for me to see the changes you suggest.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Kailashana2
Wed, 2011-05-18 06:12
There were NO changes, in
There were NO changes, in case you hadn't noticed.
lol.
~Ac
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 06:23
I didn't notice because it is a chore
to see a re-writing without constantly clicking back to the original.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Kailashana2
Wed, 2011-05-18 06:35
If I make any changes I
If I make any changes I usually ** or (( )) them under the original lines.
~A
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 07:00
JC! Whenare you going to come to the Shark Pool?
You enrolled but this comment was just another nice comment.
I am going to track you down, tie you up, make you read bad poems and comment on them!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 07:58
you committed. In or out?
The shark pool. you have not commented yet. We need to move on soon.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Pamela A. Lamppa
Wed, 2011-05-18 06:45
Raw - Edgy
To have lived fully is probably the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
Makes me want to dance on the moon tonight - or at least in the moonlight if the fancy strikes me.
"home and hosed"
?
wearing socks or taken advantage of?
Help me with a bit of clarification here - I have a feeling I am not quite getting your meaning.
All in all, this made me feel good. I wanted to say YES! I am going to live for me and make the most of it. A good way to begin the day. Thank you. ~Pamela
.
.. .
~"It's ALL about the Poetry~
Please join us in The Shark Pool
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-18 07:05
a confession
one of my favourite plays is "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" by Tom Stoppard.
There are a few references to that play in this poem, but some missing are
"We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us and all we have left is the memory of the smell of smoke and that once our eyes watered""
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rottiestyl
Sat, 2011-05-21 19:58
LOL!
I LOVED IT!! This is all YOU Jess. This is a calmer version of the one I met many years ago but still the essence of you remains. If I died tomorrow, it would piss me off, but it wouldn't kill me. There has to a publication somewhere that holds a yearly contests for new and upcoming quotes of the century, this has got my vote, lol!!!
I love you Jess - you're the man
Kim
(V)
Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.
By: K. Mulroney
" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-05-21 21:24
The award for rendering Jess speechless goes to...
(fumbles with the envelope)
Kim!
thank you!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rottiestyl
Sun, 2011-05-22 20:02
you are very welcome -
you are very welcome - straight from the soul right back at you. I love this. Just as authentic as it can get!
Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.
By: K. Mulroney
" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-05-24 11:00
Dear Jess,
I find this piece to be uniquely, YOU! A good read and insights into your Jess-ness! I particularly liked the lines:
and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.
but, I would remove (and) from the first line of :
and I meditate on mortality
also, what does the word "memes" mean?
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-05-24 11:11
thanks, will ponder on "and", it seems to me to fit.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Genuine Breath
Fri, 2011-12-02 01:36
Let's share a thought here!
What are your thoughts about the overuse of "I"?
A dear mentor (on another poetry site) once told me that, it's the poet's biggest trap... I have been reading your verses today, I stopped at this one because I deeply like the message and to ask my question as well.
http://genuinebreath.yolasite.com/
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-12-02 04:57
"I" is a "trap for young players"
Its over-use can take away from the accessibility and universality of a poem, making it introverted and selfish.
Judging by the critical response I got away with it in this piece. Possible because the themes are fairly universal.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Fri, 2011-12-02 06:40
if I died tomorrow
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.
Great lines. You are showing your humaniy, buddy, and writing damn good poetry.
Joe
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-12-05 08:20
my elvenity?
[grins]
ta Joe
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Nordic cloud
Mon, 2011-12-05 07:40
...leaves one thinking INSIDE OUT
I have just seen now what Joe wrote so well above;
but I too had come back here and reread this poem,
its a great lark of a poem to me, has humour and despair,
all the human elements in good ration
and leaves one thinking INSIDE OUT,
the I gets lost and becomes the ME
as we somersault about in your thoughts.
That's what it did for me
Just Ann of the north.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-12-05 08:21
that's about the nicest thing someone could say of a poem
"leaves one thinking INSIDE OUT,"
ta Ann
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry