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Immobile Hesitation
I wished with grace upon your head
Something great, majestic in tale
Where the radiant walking of life
Crowns vows whispered in night.
For a breath gently held
To remain tender in whole to bear,
With acceptance of your own gifting right;
There being no place
For pooled darkness to scoff forth
A piece of kindling spirit,
No murmurs roaring contradictions
No option of destruction.
Awake.
Take a stare.
Wishful in taste I stay.
Fragile in every sense,
But ready to take a step.
Please come
Enlighten to me shades of sense.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Layune
Sat, 2011-05-14 23:17
Hello
Thanks for taking the time to read my poem. I hadn't been on Neopoet for a while and so i figured replying back after months would be odd. As for the last line, I wasn't sure how to end the poem, but in the end I was content with what I wrote. Would you suggest an alternative?
author commentLayune
Wed, 2011-05-18 16:31
Hello
I read the poem again and your right, the end did fall a bit weak. Your ending works very well, thank you. I'll be sure to change it.
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sat, 2011-05-14 23:38
good insightful right
good insightful write wishing some one the best of life,as a kindered spirit.
I do agree with Rosi that the end does kind of leave you wanting of something .
welcome to Neopoet land of the freed poets.
Eddie Cruz
(Eddie is good no formality here)
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Layune
Wed, 2011-05-18 16:35
Thank you, and yes i ended up
Thank you, and yes i ended up making a change in the end.
author comment