Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
A PLACE NOW EMPTY
I made a final trip back there
through July woods and stifling heat,
a trek that used to be a treat
when made with somebody to share,
A type of place that's truly rare.
Remote yet not too far away
huge beaver ponds filled with wild bass
who seldom let any lure pass
especially on a sunny day
when breezes made the cat tails sway.
Legs tripped over logs submerged,
hidden under the translucent surface
causing a slow and careful pace
no matter how the wander lust urged
or what types of snakes emerged.
The fishing wasn't the main thing
there were frog symphonies and soaring birds,
solitude and peace surpassing words,
listening to the peepers sing,
watching blue cranes take to wing.
But this last trip to where nothing is tame,
my brother now gone to different shores,
up there where the lone hawk soars,
this final time, alone, I came
somehow it doesn't seem the same.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
scribbler
Wed, 2011-05-11 17:59
hi Lonnie
This old fart only gets older with age LOL.. Always a pleasure when you drop by............stan
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-11 12:56
Ah, Stan,
Correct me if I have forgotten one or two, but your poems always lack oomph to me.
In you almost incessant blog about freeform versus classical your every comment had a subtext that rhyming classical poetry was better than freeform. But it ain't. It only provides pastorals, niceness and over-used rhymes.
Nice is nice.
I would dearly love to hear you write an angry free-form about social issues. If only to show that you don't limit yourself to poetry forms and conservative politics.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2011-05-11 18:10
Tell you what
I Do write a few free verse, but if you insist on one with anger check out"False Recovery" and "American Dream" then you take your choice and I'll write an angry free form version of whichever one you choose. There's a catch though heh,heh. YOU must also leave your comfort zone and write a pastoral rhyming poem. This could be fun for us both. Up to it? PS I have so far limited myself to Haiku, free verse, sonnet, concrete, and free verse with form amplification, Oh! almost forgot acrostic. Now I realize I've been writing an entire year, but still think that ain't all that bad OOPS, also might mention I invented Rhyku and parallel poetry
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-11 21:26
Well put!
And challenge accepted!
However it may take a while because I am going to be up to my ears in a pool full of circling sharks!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2011-05-11 21:31
no rush
We both have busy schedules. Gonna be fun seeing how we each do won't it?...............stan
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2011-05-11 21:31
Now Rosina, that is just so unfair.
If you had access to my "body of work" you will see that I write eclectically, from harsh truths to a spiritual appreciation of truth and beauty.
I thought we sorted this out in our last exchange? You seem to take exception to so much I say, until I explain it to you.
Are we all not damaged to some extent? And do we not survive by finding truth and beauty? Well I do, anyway, without poking my nose into perceived slights on other people.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2011-05-11 21:47
hello Rose
Jess has just made a classic mistake. He assumes the reason I write the way I do is because I can't write any other way. I write what I write by choice and try more things than he thinks lol........stan
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2014-06-19 08:20
Fair cop, Stan
you are right, I have seen your brave forays into other forms, sometimes very effective.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Thu, 2014-06-19 16:58
Hi
Thanks. I sometimes get the feeling that I'm looked down on for being "just" a rhyming poet.......stan
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2011-05-11 22:08
this is so sad stan
i really like the rhythm and rhyme - none seems at all forced - it read very smoothly
i just love the finish - so so sad....
'this final time, alone, I came
somehow it doesn't seem the same' - so true
(lol - aren't we a funny animal - enjoy being made sad!!!)
love and hugs
judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Thu, 2011-05-12 08:53
hello
I only went back to those beaver ponds we used to fish once since my brother died. Partly due to deteriorating knee.Mainly because of another type pain. In my poem I intended to show my own sadness at no longer being able to share those excursions with him, not to make others sad.............................stan
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2011-05-13 00:18
that's what good poetry is about scribbler
to have other's experience your emotions and thoughts
you did a great job here
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2011-05-13 09:11
hello
Thank you Ian..............stan
author comment