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tossing

Submitted by CCfire on Wed, 2011-05-04 17:56

it will take a blink
for your name to become
unknown

i will untangle my hair
each letter of you
comb them through
un-use my fingers
the clench and fist
swallow of tongue
on your judgments

to finally see
tiny grains of sand
how water seeps through
drains away and
as an ocean ebbs and flows

you are
driftwood

alone with
careless waves
waiting

the next storm

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

[This option has been removed]

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Janice Pearce

Wed, 2011-05-04 18:35

Tossing

Loved this poem, except the second stanza did not fit for me, Just my opinion, still enjoyed this piece!

Geezer

Wed, 2011-05-04 18:53

a great feeling of sadness in this one. I like the concept, but... are you untangling the letters from your hair? And [un-use] your fingers? I think you are being a little too abstract, to make the whole thing come together. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Ayaz Warith

Thu, 2011-05-05 02:06

Dear CC, I liked this lovely

Dear CC, I liked this lovely piece very much. It soothed my eyes, heart and veins.
Regards
Ayaz

Candlewitch

Thu, 2011-05-05 09:42

Dear CC,

I love a little bit of abstraction! You have a unique and unusual way of phrasing things. I found this piece to be a wistful piece of art. I especially liked the lines:

you are
driftwood

alone with
careless waves
waiting

the next storm

Great summation!

always, Cat

p.s.
one suggestion: awaiting instead of waiting?

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

CCfire

Thu, 2011-05-05 21:51

Ros

You get it and yes I've moved and closed that door and feel good about it :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

CCfire

Thu, 2011-05-05 21:52

Pretty much Shirl, somethings

Pretty much Shirl, somethings are momentus but they pass :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

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tossing