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Haiku : Toothpaste, Senryu: Hiccups
“Haiku : Toothpaste
5/7/5”
Squeezed in the middle
Getting force out of tubing
Awaits your toothbrush
“Senryu: Hiccup
5/7/5”
Hiccup irritates
Ribcage hurting critically
Many times a day
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
United States
Favorite Poets
Billy Collins, Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, Jess Tapper
Comments
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2011-05-01 13:21
thanks Ian
i appreciate you suggestion and I have change toothpaste to getting. Does that sound better to you.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentBarbara Writes
Sun, 2011-05-01 13:24
thanks Shirl
i appreciate the comment. Hiccup can be a pain at times. Funny, do you agree it's cute how people find our accents exciting. lol
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2011-05-03 11:22
Hi Barbara,
Cute and original! Most mornings I awake with hiccups. It astounds my hubby.
always, cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2011-05-03 15:13
Hi Cat
Glad you like them. Thanks for reading and stopping I really appreciate.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2011-05-03 13:56
Hi
We suthernuhs Have no acceint lol. I think you tried to force the Senryu into being a Haiku. Forget counting in it and just write what you want to convey. Liked the hic..cc.c...c...up one.....lol.............stan
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2011-05-03 15:10
thanks
for commenting lol
I went to New York many years ago when I was in my early 20's. I was talking to some girls i was staying with and they stop talking . I ask why I'm the only one talking and they said we like your southern accent. I said I didn't know I had a accent lol. i will check closer to see which it is.
i have check and I think I have them labeled wrong
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
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