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i, love and you
star filled skies hold
those tiny moments
the ones
you look up at and
remember
today we spoke for
one moment
it felt
like yesterday
when skies
were filled with
red tail hawks and
wolf tracks
you mentioned
her name that day
as if a rusty pot
sprung a leak-
the magic boiled dry
we all make choices
to sacrifice satisfaction
but mistakes
can only
be made once
the sky tonight
holds moments of truth
none of them are you
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
CCfire
Tue, 2011-05-03 12:27
Will ponder on that Ian,
Will ponder on that Ian, thank you
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Nevel
Tue, 2011-05-03 02:40
This is simple beautiful, I
This is simple beautiful, I particulary love the end stanza, the whole atmosphere gives
a pondering effect on me. "the magic boiled dry.............great line, sum up all.
Erwin
(a poem a day keeps the doctor away)
CCfire
Tue, 2011-05-03 12:28
Thanks Erwin, much
Thanks Erwin, much appreciated
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Ayaz Warith
Tue, 2011-05-03 03:33
Yes, this is very plain and
Yes, this is a very plain and trouble-free love-poem and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you very much Fire.
Regards
Ayaz
CCfire
Tue, 2011-05-03 12:28
I do admit to preferring the
I do admit to preferring the simpler way of free verse, so thank you
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
CCfire
Tue, 2011-05-03 12:29
Yes Shirl, you are correct, a
Yes Shirl, you are correct, a lucky escape :) xx
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
mand
Tue, 2011-05-03 05:02
Hi Chez
You have captured the emotions of closure. I like the imagery you used to describe your feelings and the clarity of the final decision.
we all make choices
to sacrifice satisfaction
but mistakes
can only
be made once
Well written and thought provoking.
Love Mand
Love Mand xxxxxxx
CCfire
Tue, 2011-05-03 12:29
Thank you Mand, I am glad you
Thank you Mand, I am glad you enjoyed it
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Samaira
Tue, 2011-05-03 06:55
Very well written
I could totally relate to it. The words are beautifully placed together to convey such a big emotion.
Loved it.
Cheers
Samaira.
Keep smiling, keep shining.
CCfire
Tue, 2011-05-03 12:30
Thank you Samaira for your
Thank you Samaira for your comment
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
magics02
Tue, 2011-05-03 07:45
Profound write
I like this CC and it says a thousand words, Nice write and I too look up to the stars and meditate on the brilliance of their lights and the many wonders they hold for all of us. Nice poem friend
Love
Mona
CCfire
Tue, 2011-05-03 12:30
I think I have perhaps almost
I think I have perhaps almost written enough words on this but now and then they still appear :) Thank you Mona xx
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
vexations10
Tue, 2011-05-03 13:09
I love the title,
different enough to grab my attention. Your poem (no I will not call it a write, because it is a poem or a work) is much of what I look for in a poem. I like clean and simple language. I think the fewer words the better. Along that line I have one suggestion. I would drop line three. I wonder if line four might better read as “to” instead of “you” but I vacillate on that because it doesn’t sound to me as good as “you” Thats what is good about a workshop. It is your poem so I don’t have to make that decision. Keep writing because I really like your work.
star filled skies hold
those tiny moments
the ones
you look up at and
remember
vexations
CCfire
Wed, 2011-05-04 03:10
Thanks Vex, will ponder on
Thanks Vex, will ponder on that overnight :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
scribbler
Tue, 2011-05-03 13:37
hello
I enjoyed reading this until I started reading it slowly. Then I still enjoyed it but came up with a few things :
S-1,L-4 try you seek to
S-2,L-2 change moment to instant to avoid moment repeat
S-3 seems a line needed between L-5 and L-6 maybe something like : the world covered by ( unless you think wolf's domain is the sky lol)
S-4 try : and as a rusty pot
S-5 L-3 put "some" after "but"
S-43,L-12 tell stan to stop picking on your poem lol
just alternatives.............scribbler
CCfire
Wed, 2011-05-04 03:09
LOL
I don't mind you being nosy :P Thanks I will look at those things and ponder.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
raj
Tue, 2011-05-03 15:01
lucky escape..rebuke or
lucky escape..rebuke or whatever ...the fact remains that memories of those moments do keep coming back time and again..one of which perhaps inspired this write..if so it does mean doesn't it that ..those who touched our heart do leave an imprint...in that context the title is certainly appropriate..
i liked the way you have used the medium of poetry to express those moments..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-05-04 10:46
Dear CC
you mentioned
her name that day
as if a rusty pot
sprung a leak-
the magic boiled dry
&
the sky tonight
holds moments of truth
none of them are you
It sounds to me like you dodged a bullet from an insensitive ass, just in time. I think your writings hold many surprises. I have no suggestions, only appreciation for the writing.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
CCfire
Wed, 2011-05-04 11:10
Yes very much dodged a bullet
Yes very much dodged a bullet. Thanks so much Cat :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Marie Marshall
Sat, 2011-05-07 02:25
Oh!
Oh!
you mentioned
her name that day
as if a rusty pot
sprung a leak-
the magic boiled dry
M
___________
Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.