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Engorged Pointlessness

Sometimes my heart hurts like so much dust covers it.
It's like when I pee blood I pee dirt.
Uncomfortable is this lifestyle,
so why am I in love with it?

Scared to be alone at night with the vampires and werewolves,
reaching out through phone calls,
to be ignored by my sentinels.

Thinking that my girlfriend must hate,
this person I am.
She won't take my phone calls,
so I am scared to be my own friend.

When it comes to it I bleed stone.
For lack of care.
I don't care about all those judging eyes,
I can't care for that I just don't care.

I'm full.

Uneaten.

Just take my plate.

I'm throwing up from which this life I ate.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Sartre himself would drive the porcelain bus.
Not sure about that last line
I'm throwing up from which this life I ate.
maybe "which" is not quite right?
could drop the word or something like
I'm throwing up, bulemic from this life.
?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

If I was bulemic from this life I would be intentionally ridding it from my body, through means i'm guessing we both know. With the wording I used, I was trying to imply that i'm throwing up, full of it, yet unintentionally. If that makes any sense.

BF

author comment

I'm throwing up from which this life I ate.

I'm throwing up, this life's meal
has proven indigestible.

I'm sure you can think of something better

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

But the line is intentionally inelegant. I wanted it rough. I thought an elegant ending would detract from the poem. Your thoughts elf?

BF

author comment

"I vomit copiously
this life does not agree with me"

Just kidding.

It's not just inelegant, it's unclear. I leave it to you.

[hmmm, maybe I'm not kidding]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I tripped at the first line, too long? Might be improved with the intro being shortened with more line breaks. Or perhaps it is just a tad too long without enough strength to lead you into the body of the poem.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

chanced upon Sartre yet?

As a teenager I ate my steak direct from the frying pan and believed I was an Existentialist.

But seriously, I love the literature that emerged from it, especially absurdism.

Have we got an erection yet?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

is in the bucket list after Schopenhauer and I find little gems in all of them but perhaps not so deliciously as Fred :P

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

The first line is intentionally long as I was looking for a visceral feeling to start the poem, and that particular line gets me and those i've read it too before posting this. Maybe it's a bit off, do you have any suggested changes?

BF

author comment

Perhaps a re-editing of it may help: Sometimes hearts hurt, as if dust covered
Something like that perhaps?

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

the first lines in stanza one and two seem to much, the rest sounds self - deprecating, So what is it that made you feel this way in the poem/prose you or your girl friend. it's a little mundane to me but it's your write. I'm just trying to be honest.. It needs something., I need to read it a few times.
It's my opinion only.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I'm going to go head-to-head with Chez (CCfire) about this subject. Not surprising - she habitually writes short lines (which are de rigeur, it seems, for free verse, though heaven knows why) and I habitually write long ones (I do that for various reasons, but the commonest complaint is that they make free verse seem like prose).

In this poem of yours the unevenness conveys the uneasiness, which seems to be the register you're looking for. That is reinforced by the way that three- and four-line stanzas give way to single lines at the end. It's neither comfortable nor comforting, but I think that's exactly what you want to express. Also you're not afraid to reinforce all this by cutting right across normal grammatical usage.

Interesting work.

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

In anything I write, the length of the line, the tone of the verse, and definitely the uneveness portrayed is vital to what I am trying to put across. I sound out every syllable of every line, as if it's a song, looking for impact. The grammatical usage is not always but often intentional, as I write from a place of deep feeling. The fact that you touched on the uneveness in this poem depletes all negative feelings I do even now have about my writing style, as sometimes it appears as if it falls on blind eyes and deaf ears. And goddamnit I don't want to come across pretentious, I have no right, I'm trying to be honest.

BF

author comment

I'm looking forward to Blokes responses to this feedback.

Although I don't think short lines are de rigeur for free verse. Frequent, perhaps, but not de rigeur.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I write them the way I hear them in my head, so how ever it comes out is how it's written, right or wrong it's me :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

is this that river in Egypt, I have a padle if anyone needs it?
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Good to see ya man ... I loved the title to this poem, it is or
was a draw (for me anyway). I too felt something wrong with
the first line, not necessarily in length, as I too like to play with
lengths for affect, but it is such an abstract metaphor, but I say
if you use an abstraction, own it ... in other words, instead of using
"like", which to me is so overplayed (by me as well), remove it and
maybe add a comma for a smoother read aloud ...

As far as this poem goes (for me), I was happy to read it, it is unique
and so very honest that, it gives to the reader, and that's a plus every
damn time...

thanks for posting

Richard

This is the first of your writes I think I have seen, you seem to have a dilemma here where you live in a state yet it makes you sick..
Suggestion, just move over, stop pissing against the wind, all you do there, is get your own back to be clichéd.
I think that Jess hit it good, and the words I have just read seem to bridge a gap or two:-

“In life man commits himself and draws his own portrait, outside of which there is nothing.
No doubt this thought may seem harsh to someone who has not made a success of his life.
But on the other hand, it helps people to understand that reality alone counts, and that dreams, expectations and hopes only serve to define a man as a broken dream, aborted hopes, and futile expectations.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre, Existentialism Is a Humanism

Anothere stop on the journey we are on, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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