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"All but a Lie"

Lay down your head my love,
lay it down on my chest,
listen to my heartbeat,
may it cause you to rest.
Rest with your eyes closed,
slow down your breath,
drifting away,
into a warm solomn death.

Dream of a sunset;
bathe in the sea,
dream of the serpent,
entwined in a tree.
Listen to waves,
they crash against sand,
watching a raven fly,
may it perch on your hand.

A bonfire it whispers,
to dark lonely winters,
a bitter reminder,
of gods tortured twin sisters.
The mountains are high,
the canyons are deep,
awaken from this dream my love,
awaken from sleep.

Your body is stirring,
you toss and you turn,
you await for a cloud,
since the sun will still burn.
The sunrise is beautiful,
you opened an eye.
You awoke only to realize,
it was all but a lie.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

Just getting here from dealing with BLOGS lol. I liked this but would suggest splitting most lines. It would still remain a western classic if only every other line rhymed and would make for easier reading in my opinion....................scribbler

Not sure what you mean? I have read over it out loud and have not found myself tripping over anything.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

here is a sample of alternative lay out :
Lay down your head my love
lay it upon my chest
listen to my heart beat
may it cause you to rest
..........Just because i would choose to lay it out in this manner doesn't make it better, just a different way.......scribbler

Thank you scribbler, I have very much to learn and am grateful for your help.I will give it a go, lol.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

I am not so good at critquing, but I can tell you what I think of your poem. I think it is a wonderful poem. Every word is placed a in their correct place like a piece of a puzzle, not word out of place.Keep on writing.

Read you later,

Pixee

I worked hard to make it fit, I was really trying to make something beautiful.I'm glad that you like it, and thank you for your comment:-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

And thank you for commenting, but please leave the blog stuff outside of my poetry.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

I picked a couple things from your edit, thank you very much.And thanks for your lovely comment as well:-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

I enjoyed this poem it has a dark and gothic romantic feel. But in Stanza 1 line 5, I don't think that you need to repeat the word 'rest,' and also I think that in Stanza 2 it would sound better if you said, ' Listen to waves, they crash against sand'.

I liked this one a lot.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I see what your saying, I really do like "rest" in the places I put it, I found it to have somewhat of a hypnotic feel when I read it out loud.I kind of feel the same way about stanza two also, even though I do think you are correct, and a change there wouldn't impact the poem in the same way as it would if I took "rest" out.I will play with it and see, lol.Thanks Lou I'm glad you liked it, and I appreciate the help.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

Glad that i may of helped. lol

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

May I take a crack at this for you and just make suggests. I need a little time but I would like to ask first if it is fine as you may have it done perhaps. I will give it a go if you like let me know. This is the one that struck some chords in my inners...

Blessings
Mona

I'm pretty happy with it where it is, but I would love to see what you do with it:-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

This is just a rendition of your words with a little of an edit to it for punctuation and word flow. Let me know if it flows for you and by all means let none of it if it doesn't fit do not use. This is a writers perogative in my opinion. Here goes:

Lay down your head my love,
lay it down on my chest,
Listen to my heartbeat,
may it lead you to rest.
Rest with your eyes closed,
slow down your breath,
Drifting away,
into a solemn death.

Dream of a sunset.
Bathe in the sea.
Dream of the serpent,
entwined in a tree.
Listen to the waves,
crashing towards the sand.
Watch the ravens fly,
may it perch upon your hand.

A bonfire, of whispers,
in dark lonely winters,
a bitter reminder,
of Gods' tortured sisters. (What is Gods tortured twin sisters King?)
The mountains are high.
The canyons are deep.
Awaken from this dream my love.
Awake from your sleep.

Your body is stirring.
You toss and you turn.
Waiting for a cloud,
as the sun still burns.
The sunrise is beautiful.
You opened your eye.
And awoke only to realize,
it was" All But A Lie."

You see how I incorporated your title in caps at the ending line to bring the story and poem to a close? You used correctly the eight lines per verse and I hope you can use some ot if. I will not feel any bit offended if any of my suggests are not taken or used. It is just my sample and my critique for now

Blessings
Mona

You did a lovely job with it, as for "gods tortured twin sisters", lol.That is the death of seasons, autumn and winter or at least that was the thought.I will contemplate your rendition of it, thank you Mona:-)

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

author comment

And let me know what works or dosen't work for you. I am willing to make any suggests either way King. It does have meaning to you and I captured those feelings of it also.

Blessings
Mona

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