Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

fishbowl

Submitted by CCfire on Fri, 2011-04-22 21:03

why do
thoughts of you
fool me out
of sleep
take me backwards
through old movies
their grainy memories
blur colors into gray
walls waved with
angry admissions; we
both had little control,
tore each other like
wolves rip their prey

if i could return
to a time
where us
had not yet taken place
i may find where the dreams went

still asleep in
some corner
waiting
to be discovered
and not smashed
on the rocks
of indecision

the thing of it is
i am not sure if
what we became
was born of madness

the words
of poetry lived

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

scribbler

Fri, 2011-04-22 23:10

Volunteer badge

Not much of a free verse writer so I can only say I liked it and wonder if last 2 lines are needed..........scribbler

CCfire

Sat, 2011-04-23 00:56

CCfire's picture

Thanks but as it is deeply personal here those last lines are needed. Just seem irrelevant to those who don't know.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

CCfire

Sat, 2011-04-23 06:46

CCfire's picture

so kind :) *hugs*

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

magics02

Sat, 2011-04-23 10:00

I can relate so much to the last two poems of you and your pen. I really like this part of this one

still asleep in
some corner
waiting
to be discovered
and not smashed
on the rocks
of indecision

the rocks of indecision. Don't we all fall or lean on that rock at one or another time in our life. This is emotive poetry and done well.

Blessings
Mona

ziggy

Sun, 2011-04-24 08:22

i like the title and these lines best
"take me backwards
through old movies
their grainy memories
blur colors into gray
walls waved with
angry admissions" you said this is" deeply personal" so I guess
your not looking for crit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,enjoyed the read ,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

CCfire

Sun, 2011-04-24 08:47

CCfire's picture

Zigs it is deeply personal but if you see a better way of saying a line then I will take all suggestions gratefully. The free verse contemporary feel to this is more narrative than meter and verse.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

KINGZOMBIE

Sun, 2011-04-24 17:42

KINGZOMBIE's picture

I don't know enough to critique this style of poem, but I felt it, and in doing so I know that I found it to be perfect.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

CCfire

Sun, 2011-04-24 21:56

CCfire's picture

I am always pleased when someone who reads me says they felt it, it is one thing I always admire in poetry is to allow a reader to feel the emotions so thank you very much for that.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.