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You in the Moon Split Water

Submitted by ArrowWords on Thu, 2011-04-14 11:32

You in moon split water
came by me,
sparkling.
We shone naked
cupped by warm
skin dripped
soundings of
one into other,

deep.

Wet slipped
gliding grasps
through our lips,
lapped love
from the heart pools
of our souls

until it,
all drunk up
in the moon waned
tear drops,

ultimately,
intimately,
died.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Pamela A. Lamppa

Sat, 2011-04-16 08:51

Pamela A. Lamppa's picture

Your title presents a most interesting visual to begin this lovely read. It places a glow around such an intimate moment. Your ending thoughts are sensual and beautiful.

My only suggestions would be to refine line breaks for the ultimate in pause and thought. Lovely. ~Pamela

. .
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.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

ArrowWords

Sun, 2011-04-17 12:04

Thanks. I changed the breaks a bit separating the last lines hopefully to slow them down.

Cheers,
Don

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-04-15 09:14

weirdelf's picture
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Exquisite poetry. Seldom do I read something that I would dearly love to have written myself.

I'm sorry I can't offer any constructive suggestions, although I agree with Pamela, the choices would have to be yours, play with it, try some different arrangements.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

ArrowWords

Sun, 2011-04-17 12:04

Thanks I am glad you enjoyed it.

author comment

ArrowWords

Sun, 2011-04-17 12:07

Thanks. It is a story that in the end I thought needed no more than these words.

Cheers,

Don

author comment

Eduardo Cruz

Sun, 2011-04-17 15:10

Eduardo Cruz's picture

right from the start the beauty of this write, it's smooth capturing sense of allure embraces you in it's sensuality.
WoW, is all I can truly say.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Dalton

Sun, 2011-04-17 15:51

A lovely, almost photographic write, I love the imagry I can see in my mind. Thats the highest compliment I can think of. ThanQ for sharing.

John

ArrowWords

Wed, 2011-04-20 09:50

Thanks John.

Cheers,
Don

author comment

CCfire

Sun, 2011-04-17 22:00

CCfire's picture

This starts of with a sense of calm and it continues straight through with the images of such clarity it reads like a painting or a photograph. Lovely work.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

CCfire

Sun, 2011-04-17 22:00

CCfire's picture

This starts of with a sense of calm and it continues straight through with the images of such clarity it reads like a painting or a photograph. Lovely work.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

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