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You in the Moon Split Water
You in moon split water
came by me,
sparkling.
We shone naked
cupped by warm
skin dripped
soundings of
one into other,
deep.
Wet slipped
gliding grasps
through our lips,
lapped love
from the heart pools
of our souls
until it,
all drunk up
in the moon waned
tear drops,
ultimately,
intimately,
died.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Pamela A. Lamppa
Sat, 2011-04-16 08:51
Your title presents a most
Your title presents a most interesting visual to begin this lovely read. It places a glow around such an intimate moment. Your ending thoughts are sensual and beautiful.
My only suggestions would be to refine line breaks for the ultimate in pause and thought. Lovely. ~Pamela
. .
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.. .
~"It's ALL about the Poetry~
Please join us in The Shark Pool
ArrowWords
Sun, 2011-04-17 12:04
Breaks
Thanks. I changed the breaks a bit separating the last lines hopefully to slow them down.
Cheers,
Don
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-04-15 09:14
I love this!
Exquisite poetry. Seldom do I read something that I would dearly love to have written myself.
I'm sorry I can't offer any constructive suggestions, although I agree with Pamela, the choices would have to be yours, play with it, try some different arrangements.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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ArrowWords
Sun, 2011-04-17 12:04
Thanks I am glad you enjoyed
Thanks I am glad you enjoyed it.
ArrowWords
Sun, 2011-04-17 12:07
Thanks. It is a story that in
Thanks. It is a story that in the end I thought needed no more than these words.
Cheers,
Don
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-04-17 15:10
captured
right from the start the beauty of this write, it's smooth capturing sense of allure embraces you in it's sensuality.
WoW, is all I can truly say.
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Dalton
Sun, 2011-04-17 15:51
Gr8 write Don
A lovely, almost photographic write, I love the imagry I can see in my mind. Thats the highest compliment I can think of. ThanQ for sharing.
John
ArrowWords
Wed, 2011-04-20 09:50
Thanks John. Cheers, Don
Thanks John.
Cheers,
Don
CCfire
Sun, 2011-04-17 22:00
So soft
This starts of with a sense of calm and it continues straight through with the images of such clarity it reads like a painting or a photograph. Lovely work.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
CCfire
Sun, 2011-04-17 22:00
So soft
This starts of with a sense of calm and it continues straight through with the images of such clarity it reads like a painting or a photograph. Lovely work.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche