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"Love is gentle Lust is wild" Revised for a Song

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Fri, 2011-03-25 03:07

Love is the gentle, soothing, refreshing, breeze
On a warm summer night
On the back porch of my little country home
Watching the gibbous moon slowly glide across the dark sky

Lust is the whirlwind on a dusty afternoon
As the rain clouds and thunder storms start to form
Behind the large, orange, glowing, sunset
Chasing little girls and boys inside from their play

Love is the tender waves lapping at the shorelines
On a cool summertime beach
On the steps of my seasonal beach house
Watching the stars meet the ocean

Lust is the title waves bursting at the seashores
As the hurricane approaches land
Spinning tornadoes here and there
Sending children running for cover in the halls of their school

Love is
Lust gets it done

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Thanks to Mand. you inspire this write 3:21 in h morning. couldn't sleep till I write.
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-03-25 05:51

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Here you really get it done! So much better than in "Nature of Love at Sunset", you see how you have incorporated your metaphor with your meaning so much more seamlessly?

And those last two lines? Bloody brilliant! I can't believe I've never heard or read them before.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Barbara Writes

Fri, 2011-03-25 22:07

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I really appreciate hearing that. I like how you said "Incorporated methaphor with meaning" I really don't know how I did that, but glad I did. I was having fun adding more to the beautiful comparison Mand made to love and Lust.
Well I think I'll keep both poems "Nature of Love at Sunset" and then this one for you. Glad you like it

cheers
(:hugs)

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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raj

Sun, 2011-03-27 06:24

I liked these comparisons too or metaphors or similes...they bring out the moods of love and lust very well done...

come to think of it..there could be so many more comparisons..

love is like the rich aroma of coffee
wafting from a cup
hitting the nostrils
lust is like the bubbly fizz
at the pop of the cap
tingling the tongue

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2011-03-29 21:27

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I like your comparison.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Barbara Writes

Sat, 2011-04-16 01:22

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I just finish revising this poem to a song with music. Onced I record it, I will let you know where you can here it.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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weirdelf

Sat, 2011-04-16 01:26

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Did you post any spoken word before the crash?

If you want to now just upload it to Youtube and post the link at the end of your poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Barbara Writes

Sat, 2011-04-16 01:35

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I didn't do any spoken word. I was considering it before the crash. Thanks again, I will upload to YouTube onced I get the lyrics and words recorded.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

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Marie Marshall

Sat, 2011-04-16 03:06

A good use of antithesis as a poetic device.

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

Barbara Writes

Sat, 2011-04-16 23:26

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not sure what this word means.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Marie Marshall

Sun, 2011-04-17 02:15

It's a rhetorical device http://virtualsalt.com/rhetoric2.htm#Antithesis

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

Barbara Writes

Mon, 2011-04-18 00:44

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I didn't realize what style I was writing.
glad you liked and happy you read and commented.
I never heard of this word before now. Thanks for sharing the link with me.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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raj

Tue, 2011-04-19 15:16

i didn't know you are a song writer too....do let me know when your song is ready and how i will be able to listen to it...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2011-04-19 21:26

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Yeah i doing a little. I have one recorded and uploaded to a site call soundclick. i have two other now. I'm waiting to get them recorded so i can upload too.
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10072022

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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raj

Wed, 2011-04-20 14:22

wishing you lots of inspiration to write more songs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Thu, 2011-04-21 22:38

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I appreciate your encopuragement

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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