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A Vagueness blue...opaque
A Vagueness blue…opaque
Who else could have written that song you liked
last Tuesday as we sat in the café dim?
I thought as much was true of you
and turned my hand to scribe a penned
prize, indistinctive but solid and gracious.
So now we understand the fuss and fighting
in a lifetime of stares from our peopling learning
steps we climb over or through for recognition,
given over like a horse drawn mill to some to
others an Olympic gold medal for making
one hundred and ten meter of trash.
Why oh why bother with a sulk when a
full blown outburst of emotion could fuel
a jet fighter and fly your sad red face
right out of planet Pluto’s ringed
ritualistic red ripple?
Ok what was the songs' question?
I know I answered this so all would know
last time we spoke about our music,
you took up the cutlass and ran
to battle for an answer you would rather
have or understand than a truth that
makes for a vagueness to come forth
and beset your eyes so intoxicatingly blue,
that you call opaque.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
There is meaning.
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Roscoe Lane
Thu, 2011-04-14 15:29
Thank you,
Thank you, and i love the idea for the title change, Love Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-04-15 06:32
I love your eclectic wordplay here.
A poem worthy of the name, rich and evocative.
Only one personal pet peeve.
and beset your eyes beautifully blue,
the word beautiful always makes me go erk in a poem, there is always a better word.
Maybe even beatifically? Keeps the alliteration.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-04-16 14:34
Thank you,
Thank you, and i agree beautiful is rather iffy, i have an idea i will try it, and you can tell me if it's any better. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentPsyve
Fri, 2011-04-15 06:41
Roscoe
Though I cannot pretend to understand every line of this, I do very much understand and LIKE the overall FEEL of the piece.
I see the argument, the quarrel, the confusion and sadness in the writer's mind but also the love that so clearly shows below the words.
I enjoyed this read: I found it to be a sensitive write.
Psyve
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-04-16 14:37
Thank you,
Thank you, it was an arguement we had years ago, and the two of us were laughing about it the other day. Boy could we argue, fire and ice. Thank you again. Regards Roscoe
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentCCfire
Fri, 2011-04-15 21:45
Sensitive and lovely write, I
Sensitive and lovely write, I perhaps think that line in the first stanza would read better with 'written' rather than 'wrote' as it seemed a little awkward 'who else could have written that...' just a thought. It's really a nice piece.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-04-16 14:42
Thank you,
Thank you, i've been reading this in my head all day and i've decided to go with written, no i haven't, yes i have i don't know. Just kiddin but that's what it's been like. Thank you again, Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentMarie Marshall
Sat, 2011-04-16 02:27
I could be picky
I could be picky and say you need 'written' for 'wrote' in the first line, and that you need an apostrophe after the 's' in 'songs' (first line of last stanza).
I like the way that some lines cut right across the middle of sentences. It wasn't until I heard someone else's poem with a similar construction actually recited as written, that I could hear and appreciate the effect of deliberately breaking a train of thought with a breath.
___________
Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-04-16 14:45
As above,
As above, i have decided to change it as you and Chez suggested. Thank you for your time and if you are new a heartfelt welcome to neopoet. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
author commentRoscoe Lane
Tue, 2011-04-19 17:01
Thank you,
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed this. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
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