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The Stain

Nothing ventured, nothing gained
and nothing's changed at all;
until the children die in vain
did someone think to call?

Sorry, are our tomorrows
as the branding iron burns,
with the flesh of our existence
on a dare, one finally learns.

And, so we try and organize
so facts will all align;
but, it's too difficult to hear
a broken heart, over a troubled mind.

So, "logic" takes no time, at all
wrapping our heads around,
a war cry so ingenious
that, it doesn't make a sound.

It's okay to feel the sorrow
it's fine to wrestle with the pain;
but, on our children we shouldn't borrow
because, it leaves too big a stain.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

The point of this is very good. the structure and rythm are great until this stanza:
:
"That's one time "logic" has to wrap
it's mind around the clues;
that so readily confuse us
as we hurridly pay our dues"

It seems you forced it, I'm of the opinion this stanza needs a re-write to keep the flow of the rest of the poem.
It's up to you, maybe it's just me. :)
Eddie C..

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

...your candidness, (or, as I would probably say: your "candidity"). That's the one stanza that I, myself wasn't completely happy with. Actually, it was the result of a fleeting thought, and a premature conceptual direction,
with the misuse of my poetic liscense.....which we both know, usually won't end up faring well, at all!
All seriousness, aside.....whatever I just implied had definate, serious undertones....but, doesn't even remotely describe how pathetic that stanza ends up being, in the broader scope of the collective effort.
In other words, I concurr; and will soon cease evasive actions, and tackle the task.
seriously,
thanx, again.
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

It's like a child, we don't want any one to tell us how to rear them, so it's cool.
it's your baby my friend what ever you do it's yours to do.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

...is this a better verse, or not? Let me know, if you will.
Thanx,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

I think it a shame the way we load down the next generation. If you can stand a few more ideas?
L-10 swap places with up and to
L-11 add so or too after it's
...................scribbler

...did so, done that.
thanx,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

Now we're talking nice edit, partner .
Good for you.
Stan's Eye is always so sharp!
Eddie C

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

...I couldn't've done it without, "the firm"; ne's 'pa?
Thanx,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

It's "Fast Eddie Esq.." to you, Hahaha!
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

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