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Small

though
you are
no longer
the infant
impatient
hungry

still I wait,
listen for
a cry to
creep through

these
small hours
I find you
noiseless
to the wants
of a mother

what
would I give
the whole
of you

can
I define
a universe
a tangent gift

it is there in
a heart beat
a breath
a sigh

or

forgiveness
before my
own demise

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 

Comments

welcome to neopoet, "land of the freed poets"

I love the loss of the intimacy between to souls. I also like the structure of your poemsmooth and easy to read this is well done.
I like this stanza for me it's the tell all of the piece;
"it is there in
a heart beat
a breath
a sigh"

Again welcome can't wait to read your next write
Eddie C."

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Thank you for reading Eddie,
I am looking forward to writing more here and getting some constructive feed back.

thanks again

Juls

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

Thank you for reading

~Juls~

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

I hear the voice as I listen to soft breathing and teenage mumbles through dreams. I hope that I have given her enough tools to make the right choices as she moves toward adulthood. All that is left to offer are the warm arms of mother when she needs.

Your verse is is quietly written and titled "small" for the feelings we feel as our need becomes less to them. We have gone from being their entire world to hold a much smaller space for them - and it is as it should be.

These lines:

"can
I define
a universe
a tangent gift"

... we may never truly know an answer.

Beautiful poetry. Well formed with short tight lines to accentuate your title. Each emotion, place in life, wish for, is carefully placed. I think your line breaks are perfect as well. Gave the right amount of pause in all the right places. Really quite well done. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

So pleased to see you here too Pam.
You learn as they get older how all we can do is be there when needed, though I do miss the 'small' voices at times.

~Juls~

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

me too.

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

It's nice to see another friend on here and I am sure you will like it, it's a place to grow and explore our poetry without drama...that's a good thing. I already loved this piece of yours but look forward to reading some new ones and I promise I won't crit you hard cos you're a real friend of mine lol...you know it's my fault you write, I kicked your muse in the ass and she is kicking you back on my behalf lol *hugs*

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

you made me laugh!!!

I think my butt is sore from all the kicking!

~Juls~

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

This is a nice poem. I loved the way you wrote about a child. It is nicely written. I can almost feel the feeling of the child. I was one once upon a time, ha ha. Keep on writing your nice poems. i am sure you have more up your sleeve. Read you later.

Cheers,

Pixee

you are right PIxee, this is actually about my child.
I miss the small words in the dead of night.
Thank you for your comment.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

and you also asked for constructive feedback.
I'm not sure I get the full intent of the poem.

Forgiveness for what in the final stanza? Do I not comprehend because I am not a mother?

Also the stanza-
what
would I give
the whole
of you
doesn't make sense to me. You give the whole of the child?
Hard to be constructive in suggestion because I'm not sure if my failure in comprehension is my own or in your construction.

Oh and welcome! It's always great to see another Aussie here, especially one well informed by Bukowski. Intriguing nickname!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Sorry Jess,
I'm sure this wont make sense to many not just you because it was actually written to my kids.

what
would I give
the whole
of you

this is referring to being a mother and letting go as they grow. Children are only on loan to us til they become their own independent people. Then you only get snippets of their lives.

I do love Buk... 3 books sitting on my coffee table. All read and are now on the round about. maybe I should post a couple of pieces on here inspired by Buk for you to read and rip to pieces. I need some decent crit's on them

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment

(and relieved to find I was not just being thick).

Post anything, everything, rip to pieces and put back together as a Burroughs cut and paste?
Who knows?
Anything goes.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

... now that I have balanced it on the screen where my eye can take in the whole of the poem at once. There is something startling about the abstract concreteness of a free-form poem with lines of between one and four words. I think this aspect of poetry - what I call its 'abstract concreteness' or 'incidental concreteness' - is very significant. Here yours works like a finger tracing the path of a raindrop or condensation on a window, or a tear on a cheek. I like.

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

I suppose I write like this pretty much all the time though I have tried to expand. Hence my appearance here to learn more.
Thanks for reading Marie.

~Juls~

"While I'm writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone."
— Pablo Neruda

author comment
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