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Ribbons Wrapped

To offer petals poised in palms
a rose blossom depicts my heart

and here,

quite softly placed, this gift

is where my words shall start.

It isn't in the cost that's spent
nor of the highest caliber

but rose it is
for what is meant-

my gift of me to you.

'Tis yours to keep and compliment

the air you breathe,
the life you make;

to treasure or to circumvent
when needing it to be.

Of me this gift contends a smile,
a vibrant boast of energy

to warm and flavor
days you taste

yielding when needed be.

Of me then

is this part of you
that touches heart and shields your eyes

as one of two,
filtered, combined

in ribbons wrapped with you.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Metered and rhymed free verse with the lilt of a love story. *smile*
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the structure of this. but I don't feel the love. to me it's to matter of fact. I can't feel the heart of it. I read it four times thinking it was me. It's just my view. well I guess as long as you feel it that's what matters
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

So we must dig deeper - pull out more emotion.
Thoughts, ideas, suggestions all welcome and I am looking forward to work-shopping this one.
I have always "liked" this piece and it has gotten high praise on another site, but I have always felt it a bit lacking somewhere as well.

I am pleased for your honesty in critique and will be working on this one some more. Thank you so much. ~Pamela

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author comment

if we can't be honest, then whats the point. I appreciate that you did not take it personal, for me that is important too.
I've been here about three years and before that I had been on sites like all poetry, and a few other that I will not mention here. I have to tell you that they were all fluff. some seem to be dating sites. but once I came here I knew I was home. My poetry has inproved not to were I want to yet. but time is the teacher of all things.
So, if you want to learn or to say improve. this is the place for it. By the way Seren (Jay C.) is starting a "Round Robin poem with 4 to a group. We're try to get as many gruops as possible I would like you to join in, just go to the Blog "Round Robin": and let her know that you are in. It's truly Tons of fun working with other poets in the creating process. There will be more activties as the site gets to it's finishing touches..
Enjoy, Your Bud
Eddie C..

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Sounds like a great idea.
I was here at the tail end before the site closed down and drifted away due to the politics of the group.
I am hoping once again to use this site to truly workshop my verse and improve. I will try to find the Blog "Round Robin" and see where it goes.

Thanks for the heads up - keep the honest reviews coming. They are good for all. ~Pamela

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~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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author comment

I have to agree with Eddie and having read your metered and free verse writes for so long on AP, this one lacks the Pam emotion I have seen you spill. It's structure is lovely but it seems to lack the personal touch I've come to enjoy.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

It is an older piece that has received a lot of high praise and I think even a gold trophy on AP but I have never thought it had the umph it should. A good piece to work shop here because of the meter in particular. I am pleased for the honest review and will be thinking on this one a bit.

You both have picked out that it needs to express a bit more emotion so I will begin there. Who knows where this work may end up.

Thank you again dear friend. We will get as much out of this site as we put into it and I have been ready to work for a long time. ~Pamela

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~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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author comment

Have always craved the crits that most on the other site were too afraid to give, it's the only way to improve ourselves as poets and the pieces we write, so happy to have you along with me for the ride :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

I am so glad to hear you say that, well read that. I only heard it in my head. Hahaha!
"welcome to the family you are now true Neopoets"
we expect the same in return.
Your buddy,
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

But did you hear it with an Aussie accent accompanied by an American one :D lol..I have long ago gotten over the other site with 'oh great write I love it' admittedly there were a few there that did give feedback but in the main it was more social than work and I need both to grow, the ones from there that are dedicated to working on their poetry I asked to follow and some already have so it's great. Your new mate here. :P

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

I have yet to come back and re-work these lines but I plan to very soon. I am so anxious to really take this poem and run with it.

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~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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author comment

Tis good to be back and have NEO up and running again. Waiting for Ken to log in - such a slow poke. But he has been working like a dog as of late. We did enjoy our time here before it all closed up before. So far, so good.

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~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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author comment

I think i did, get out of my head your scaring me!! Hahaha.
All fun aside this is truly a great workshop site, and now with HoodedStranger (Dan) as workshops Derector it will be amazing. Did you guys send your congrats to him. if not see Racestogo Blog, director appointment
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Hmm.
Will have to check that out. Thanks for the heads up.

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~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

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author comment

Now I am curious as to its development, I agree about the lack of feeling, but as a seen/watched event, rather than a personal one I like the gentle touch, as if one had seen something particular take place and admired it but couldn't have it for yourself. A kind of declaration formal and as such beautiful.

O wow what have I said now? Never mind its there now.
Love to you Pamela. Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

This is one of the loveliest, most "emotion filled" poems I have ever been privy to. As far as form is concerned...I don't know that there is one. I have numerous times proclaimed my dislike for free verse in general, but as many times as I say that I have said there are poems of that character that struck me a blow. If this is "Pam" at an emotional waning, then I may not be ready for you. The simple gift of a rose, so often given, always misunderstood. The woman who takes it saying "how lovely" and stuffing it into a vase because that's what you do with it. Your verse suggesting in language simple and oh, so sincere what "should" be done with it. What its purpose can be. And so slowly to the end the ribbon is wrapped about US- the rose.
Pamela, I think you've seen enough of me by now to know I can fill a page with "opinions" and the like. This makes it hard to talk.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thank you.
You found the meaning.
This is how I like to write free verse. With a lot of structure and line breaks for natural pauses. Plenty of meter easily read to lift the spirit and sometimes, I even throw in a little rhyme. *wink*

~Pamela

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