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subtle

Submitted by Esker on Sat, 2011-04-09 15:13

rumble
the night brevity
cast eyes along the porch
of delicious ache
you hurt
we bend
and slender the dusk
pools in our handfilled
lust

chill dreams
savage in the pain
the eager breath
and the minute hand
sweeps on delicate
scented wrists

satchel portions you weep
me through the grave hours
when stars fulfill
our eyes
and we taste the bitter sweet
of our poison

feeding on ravaged
shelter

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

CCfire

Sat, 2011-04-09 20:17

CCfire's picture

It has a haunting tone to each stanza, the one word I tripped on was 'satchel' for some reason it seemed too harsh as it rolled off the tongue for the rest of the pieces tone. I understand what you meant by it but I wanted to read 'sachet' for some weird reason as if it gave that stanza a softer feel to it to match the rest. Just my thoughts here. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Esker

Mon, 2011-04-11 09:40

Esker's picture

Im not up on all great lengths of words
and its been awhile since I looked at a good
dictionary or read anything in the way of books
seven years maybe since I read much

but thank you for the word and Yes it fits better
in the flow

Thank You

(book mention is forwarding the idea that good reading
makes for good poetry in exposure to new words and
proper printing and punctuation checks..)

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