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My Teachers
Step by step,
I walk heedfully
across the patchy lawn
muddy here
barren there
unkept, unattended.
Pleading blades of grass
with drops of hope reflecting
morning’s sunlight
become my teachers
as they reach out
to grow.
Fresh spring spouts
extol me
to find a place
where barefoot soles
gather joy
with each flex of toe
into the ground.
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I’m most unsure of my title. Help!
Editing stage:
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Comments
hobo
Sun, 2011-04-03 19:21
very nice
very nice I can feel the morning dew on the souls of my feet. very nice work
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
vexations10
Mon, 2011-04-04 11:30
Thanks for your comments
I am toying with the title “Lessons."
vexations
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-04-03 19:47
Vex
finding our place in this ever changing universe, can be as simple as returning to its start.
the pleasure of the earth with the seasons rebirth in spring
Title; rebirh of a soul
(Its just what I got from this)
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
vexations10
Mon, 2011-04-04 11:32
Thanks for your comments
I’ll give your suggestion consideration. Recent idea is the title “Lessons."
vexations
Melissa Gayle
Sun, 2011-04-03 22:02
I do believe your title needs
I do believe your title needs a bit more spark, but for me I have the damnedest time with them. Other than that, this is quite well done its a journey through life, showing trials and tribulations without outing them. A very good read.
♥ Melissa
vexations10
Mon, 2011-04-04 11:33
See comments above
Lessons seem like one option. Or lessons beneath my toes? What do you think?
vexations
CCfire
Mon, 2011-04-04 00:05
Perhaps the title needs work
Perhaps the title needs work but I like Melissa can never think of anything on the spur of the moment and sometimes we never do lol..I do like the path you can see as you show us the trials through this. Nice job.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
vexations10
Mon, 2011-04-04 11:34
Thanks for your comments
I appreciate that you took the time to read this poem. See comments above for my current thinking.
vexations
Race_9togo
Mon, 2011-04-04 01:37
Hello Vex,
I like the title, I'm not you sure why you think it inadequate. But then, I'm often at a loss, when naming my own work!
The theme is excellent, the idea of something as simple a dewed grass becoming one's teacher appeals to me a great deal. The implications of such teaching are very deep and far-reaching to me.
The beginning was OK, I'm not sure about "mindlessly", since the rest of the poem just belies the idea that the author even COULD be mindless.
The ending?
where barefoot soles
gather joy
with each flex of toe
into the ground.
Pure magic.
An excellent write, well done.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
vexations10
Mon, 2011-04-04 11:38
Thanks for your comments
I agree now that I look back at the poem that mindlessly is not what logically consistent. Currently thinking of heedfully. Do you think that is a better depiction of the scene?
vexations
Race_9togo
Mon, 2011-04-04 12:05
heedfully works
It gives the beginning a sense of expectancy that I like.
I was also leaning towards "thoughtlessly", since it conveys to me the same sense of being unaware as "mindlessly", but without the implication of true stupidity, but rather ignorance instead, if that makes any sense?
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
vexations10
Mon, 2011-04-04 16:06
Thanks for your comments
I’m interested in toe-hold, going to think about it some more.
vexations
Candlewitch
Tue, 2011-04-05 10:52
Hello Vexations,
I am new to your list of readers. I saw your name on several of the other poets whom I frequent and grew curious as to your work. I am so glad I came to quietly read. This piece is marvelous and took me on a peacefully journey. I like all of it but especially these lines:
Pleading blades of grass
with drops of hope reflecting
morning’s sunlight
become my teachers
as they reach out
to grow.
Nature has many lessons to teach to the respectful student. Thanks for the read!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
vexations10
Tue, 2011-04-05 20:05
Thanks
I appreciate your comment. I’m glad you liked this poem. It was written to try to empathize with a friend of mine who was going through a bad time.
vexations
vexations10
Tue, 2011-04-05 20:09
Thanks
I think earth would work. Will consider it. May change the title to Lessons . . .
vexations
scribbler
Wed, 2011-04-06 23:08
hello
Teaching to find joy in the feel of earth between toes.Really enjoyable read. Have only one change you might consider :
L-7 change pleading to struggling.............not sure why lol...............scribbler
vexations10
Thu, 2011-04-07 09:01
Thanks
appreciate your suggestion. You have me thinking that pleading doesn’t fit and I don’t think struggling is what I intend either.
vexations
vexations10
Thu, 2011-04-07 15:14
Appreciate your suggestions
thanks for stopping by and reading this poem.
vexations