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sunday fasting
its Sunday
and my breath sticks inside
my shirt,
humidity claws as sweat
rolls
beneath white tees,
curled edges
showing femininity
as eyes are devoid of heat
baggage sits itself
beneath blues
and i
rifle through
pulling comfort from the shade,
red tinged lines
like mazes
as i shield myself
from all that i know too well
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How was my language use?
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Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-04-03 22:56
Mela
The beauty of this write is in its sexual expression that is actually non sexual
The first stanza is the tell all, and my fav.
'its Sunday
and my breath sticks inside
my shirt,
humidity claws as sweat
rolls
beneath white tees,
curled edges
showing femininity
as eyes are devoid of heat"
the last line in the stanza for me is the clincher,
(as eyes are devoid of heat")
eyes witout Passion even though the femine side is aware of the heat.
What an excellent write
Eddie
Well I hope I got it right?
'
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
CCfire
Sun, 2011-04-03 23:06
Only one
suggestion...take out the 'too' in the last line, you are such a definitive writer, we know you make absolute statements and I think without the 'too' it is an absolute. :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
paper umbrella
Tue, 2011-04-05 23:31
i like your ending to your
i like your ending to your first stanza, but here's another way to phrase it :
showing femininity
and eyes devoid of heat
i think the first stanza is a little stronger than the second, but both works pretty well together so nothing to critique about it. enjoyed this :)