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THEN and NOW
I used to walk a mile or more
through hot summer woods and boggy marsh
to fish beaver ponds that had no shore
and never thought the price too harsh
At work I'd walk the tops of walls
ten feet tall, four inches wide
while building rooms, closets and halls
and never sway from side to side
This lame old dude even ran track
a lean and thin fleet athlete
even pole vaulted onto a cushioned sack
of energy I was replete
But that was decades in the past
a different life, a different time
now instead of being young and fast
I sit and write in verse and rhyme
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2011-04-01 10:09
As per usual...
Your rhyme is perfect, and the content of nature and personal feeling makes this a good poem. I relate to it much as I always do, with the thought, that you could be writing about me! ~ Gee
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scribbler
Fri, 2011-04-01 12:44
hello
But I WAS writing about you.........and me....and all us other old dudes lol.................stan
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-04-01 10:16
Dear Stan,
I remember all the things I used to do like snow skiing and driving my motorcycle all with the wind in my face. Those old memories bring back a joyous time in life. Now I watch from the side lines and write my poetry, like you. The times change, my friend and so must we. Your title is appropriate and this piece flows well. In fact it flows so well that I didn't even notice your easy rhyming scheme.
One suggestion:
pole vaulted pole vaulted into a cushioned sack
remove one of the "pole vaulted" from this line.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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scribbler
Fri, 2011-04-01 12:46
greetings
I can type well or I can type fast,but This proves I can't do both lol. Thanks for the visit and mentioning typo............stan
author commentloved
Fri, 2011-04-01 11:26
AS NOW I AM SLOW AND FAT I SHALL FOLLOW UR RHYME
now instead of being young and fast
I sit and write in verse and rhyme
HOPEFULLY I WILL TOOO
BY THE MIDNIGHT CHIME
loved
scribbler
Fri, 2011-04-01 12:50
hi loved
we oldy moldy folks have to find new hobbies as our bodies betray us don't we ?...................stan
author commenthobo
Fri, 2011-04-01 11:33
lol I love it
I love it my friend, I am afraid that I too am now condemed to sit and write instead of run and jump
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
scribbler
Fri, 2011-04-01 12:52
hi hobo
Good to see you back. Haven't had time yet to watch your stand up video but shall do so this evening. Thanks for dropping by.......................stan
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2011-04-01 13:47
Hello Eph
I give up .Is that Russian at end of comment?..................stan
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-04-02 09:24
high Shirl
I can still do about everything I used to, just not as fast. Of course in some things slower is better lmao. Hope all is well with vanni.................stan
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2011-04-01 16:22
hi Rosi
An old broken knee keeps me from those ponds now. Too many submerged logs to trip over to risk it. But I DO push myself to do all I can to keep active. Also great to see you on my page................stan
author comment