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the strawberries are bitter still
if i press my head on a pile of sand
i can hear the ants
the waking cherry blossoms
mother painting the fences three shades
of pink
this canvas i'm admiring
is last year's clouds
the fat rumbling of late march and thursday
the glass wind chime dangling
from her fingers
when i'm tired of courting sunsets
i think of father
the summer gone fields
mother uprooting vines and soaking sorrow
with patience
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words:
I'm compiling a "working book" and will like any suggestions to improve before i submit it to the press. thanks in advance! oh, and i'm happy to return any constructive critiques :)
Editing stage:
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Comments
Nordic cloud
Fri, 2011-04-01 03:37
Splendid, to use an old word
For a new poem,
so new and full like Spring bushes and blossoming trees,
said in such a meaningful manner,
beautiful my paper umbrella,
you float through here
among the desperate poems
like a transparent butterfly this morning
as the sun catches the fir tree tops
and lights up the new purple and salmon coloured shoots
on the white-trunked birch trees.
Love from Ann in a view.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
paper umbrella
Fri, 2011-04-01 16:50
thank you for your lovely
thank you for your lovely poem :) and for the read
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2011-04-01 10:48
Very good...
but I left this one with a puzzle. What is the signifigance of Thursday? I think it detracts a little from the overall perfection of this work. ~ Geezer
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
paper umbrella
Fri, 2011-04-01 16:49
thank you for bringing that
thank you for bringing that up :) yesterday was thursday, the poem was just a reflection of my thought and events that occurred yesterday
author commentpaper umbrella
Fri, 2011-04-01 16:50
i tend to use dates and days
i tend to use dates and days quite often in my poems lol. mainly because, like you said, it's personal, and that poem was written yesterday, a thursday and it was an observation of the events that occurred on the 31st of march :) thanks for the read
author comment