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Scandalous Motordrives

Submitted by docmaverick on Wed, 2011-03-30 15:47

The image in my mind of you
is different from my heart,
never planned to seek the likes of one
whose mind was faliing apart.

For surely even you can see
I'd never make that choice,
unless you couldn't hear me
like I didn't have a voice.

At any rate I realize
you may not share my view,
but I just cannot fathom
living with the likes of you!

Because that isn't living
the living don't give up,
I apologize for wanting
more than water in my cup.

When the motordrives get clouded
I would help for the sake of us,
but the "us" would fade to oblivion
because you're just too scandalous!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Race_9togo

Wed, 2011-03-30 16:01

Race_9togo's picture
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The raw truth?

This is excellent, the pacing and rhyme are really good.

Minor things:
line 1 of stanza 3, "anyrate" should be two words, not one,
line 3 of stanza 5, " oblivian" should be "oblivion".

I especially like the fact that you have chosen not to break up the lines with additional commas. This makes the entire poem flow so smoothly that the rhymes you have are completely natural, to me.

Most very well done.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

docmaverick

Wed, 2011-03-30 21:05

docmaverick's picture

....I checked my hat, and comas @ the door. Am genuinely pleased you enjoyed it over all, and I have gratefully corrected my errors in typing..(I only use 3 fingered hunt and peck)...so,
Thank-you, once again,
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

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