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After war there is another war
Silently empathy regains
all that was lost
during the Dorian wars.
Dead, naked soldiers rise
from sullen graves
with new expectation.
Grass stunned with winter
regains green and water
for just a second.
Just before ominous horns
anew sound bleak military attack
and pale weakness run red.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2011-03-09 20:10
Strictly my view...
but, this is what I would do.
Silent empathy regains
all that was lost
during the Dorian wars.
Dead and naked soldiers rise
from sullen graves
with new expectations.
Grasses stunned with winter
regain green and water
for just seconds.
Just before ominous horns
sound anew the military attack
and weakness runs red.
I can't associate [pale] with the word red, especially when you are speaking of war.
Your language use is good, but just needs a little polish. What troubled me, was the title. Maybe, you might call this; "War of Winter" or something of the sort. Feel free to use any or all of what I said. ~ Geezer
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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andrasidan
Thu, 2011-03-10 08:48
Thanks
Thanks Geezer
I used some of your suggestions and I will think some more. The title alludes to the hopeless fact that there always will be war.
The opposition of pale and bleak to red is meant to accentuate the fact that war is a bleak and pale thing indeed, but blood will always be red. I want to turn the tables here.
Cheers!
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