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SILENT SOBS

Submitted by Trail on Mon, 2023-05-08 19:15

The microwave beeps, breaking the silence
There's still some frost on the pizza
But she serves it anyway
A blank expression on her face

There are clouds gathering out the window
He seems to be staring that way
But whether he's seeing anything
Only he and god know

His eyes come back to the frozen warm pizza
For a moment he stares at it
As if unsure how to proceed
Then he raises his eyes to her
The silence heavy with words
That might never be spoken

He picks up his coat and just walks out
Before the tears start flowing
And the yelling begins
But somewhere deep within him
The crying has already started
Soft and silent sobs
In the darkness of his soul

See, there's a picture in his wallet
The same one she has in her purse
But let me wipe my own tears away
Because the smile in that picture
Will never be seen again
A. SWANTALALA

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I need some help with the title.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week Contest May 7th to May 13th 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-05-08 19:15

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Silent Sobs" captures the pain and heartbreak of a relationship falling apart. The opening lines effectively set the scene, with the sound of the microwave breaking the silence and the mention of the frozen pizza adding a sense of mundanity to the moment. The use of imagery, such as the clouds gathering outside and the picture in their wallets, adds depth to the emotions being conveyed.

The poem's strength lies in its ability to convey the unspoken words between the two characters. The silence between them is heavy with meaning, and the reader can feel the weight of the unsaid words. The ending is particularly poignant, with the mention of the soft and silent sobs in the darkness of his soul. It is a powerful image and a reminder that sometimes the most intense emotions are the ones that are kept hidden.

One suggested line edit would be to change "For a moment he stares at it" to "For a moment he stares at the pizza". This small change adds more specificity to the image and strengthens the connection between the characters and the frozen pizza.

Overall, "Silent Sobs" is a well-crafted poem that explores the complexities of human relationships and the pain of lost love. It is a moving piece that will resonate with anyone who has experienced heartbreak.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Tue, 2023-05-09 15:12

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Hello, Trail,
You have a gift of writing that feels as if you are quietly talking to the reader. That is what I feel with this, as if you are speaking to me, describing the moment. Very natural and sincere. This is full of deep reflection and heartbreak, and silence. "...but let me wipe my own tears away." There are now three people feeling the heartbreak - perhaps the loss of the person bearing the smile in the photograph. I'm not certain of the full title, either. Perhaps just "Silence."
Thank you,
L
I don't think I'd use the suggestion from AI to use the word "pizza" so close together...

Trail

Tue, 2023-05-09 18:15

Trail's picture

This has to be the most beautiful and heartwarming response to my work I have ever seen. I really am glad that you enjoyed reading my poem, and thank you for the title suggestion, I'm considering it right now.

I don't think the AI is onto anything about the line edit suggestion too, having already used the word pizza on the line above.

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2023-05-09 17:11

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the current title, it fits well. I felt this deeply, mostly because of the silence delivered and the tears held back. Sometimes, there is nothing that one can say! ~ Geezer.
.

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Trail

Tue, 2023-05-09 18:08

Trail's picture

On poems where inspiration finds me first, I only think about the title after completing the poem. I think this is why I end up struggling to find a good title most of the time. But thank you for enjoying my poem and being kind enough to leave a review

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