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Not Alone

Submitted by Sarah Shaw on Sun, 2023-04-23 07:22

I gazed at you
as you lay sleeping,
I tried to stay calm
I was silently weeping.
The machines were
all flashing and bleeping
and I heard the sound
of mechanical breathing.

The family had come
from near and from far.
The decision was mine to sign Dnr.
I was glad I wasn't completely alone
Until one by one they all went home.

So I tucked up your feet
and I folded the sheet.
I sprayed your perfume
and I brushed your hair.
I hoped in my heart
you knew I was there.

I whispered so softly
close to your ear.
I love you Mum
And I want you to know
that we'll be alright
if you have to go.

I wiped my eyes with the edge of my sleeve
and now you had permission to leave.
I left that hospital and I sat in the park
I sat there for hours until it was dark.
I heard heavenly voices
with the playing of harps.
It soothed my soul
and caressed my heart.
A message sent, I wasn't alone

And the wind,

it came with me.

All the way home.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoem Of The Week April 23rd Through April 29th 2023

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-04-23 07:22

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem captures the raw emotions of a loved one watching over someone in critical condition. The use of sensory details, such as the machines flashing and beeping and the mechanical breathing, creates a vivid image of the hospital setting. The speaker's inner turmoil is palpable, as they struggle to come to terms with the decision they must make. The final stanza brings a sense of peace, as the wind serves as a comforting reminder that they are not alone.

One line edit suggestion: In the second to last stanza, "And the playing of harps" could be changed to "With the playing of harps" for smoother flow.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Sarah Shaw

Sun, 2023-04-23 07:53

Yeas agree with line

Yeas agree with line suggestion and have amended. Thankyou

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-04-23 09:52

A heartbreaking tale...

to say the least. You have managed to paint an evocative picture of the last duties to a loved one and the sense of peace that
it gives the woman. I don't see anything I would change. Great work!
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Sarah Shaw

Sun, 2023-04-23 12:33

Thankyou.Glad to know the

Thankyou.Glad to know the piece works well.

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-04-30 06:19

A winner!...

I'm glad that you have won. Don't rest on your laurels, keep writing and stretching. Great job! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Sarah Shaw

Sun, 2023-04-30 04:38