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Treasure Map...

Shivers breeze and then away
pearls strung out for eyes
Too late, the hesitation now
tracing flames down velvet thighs

She feels the fire licked feathers
stroke her lovely skin
The scent of love lies snugly
in the bed within

Spilled treasure glistens wetly
a map of jewels is found
but pleasure will not wait here
for love to come around

The trail of tears follows them
as realization hits
A moment's indiscretion
has torn a friendship all to bits

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Thanks for the suggestion of [chambers], Stan. ~ Geez.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

"tunnels of her nose".....somehow doesn't seem to fit. Maybe chambers instead?

Scribbler, I was on the fence about that line. I thought I should wait to see what remarks and comments I got, before messing with that one. Thanks for the suggestion of [chambers]. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

I like the imagery and emotion. Well done.

~RoseBlack~

from Seren, from something she wrote, and I had it half-made up before I actually wrote it down.
Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

instead of tunnels, maybe nostrils? or breath ways? the rest of the imagery is great. no other suggestions.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Scribbler suggested [chambers] and I went with that, as it had the closest meaning. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

..drop it altogether and rewrite the line it with another word that rhymes. Nose doesn't fit in that poem at all.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

your suggestion to rewrite that line and did a little more, by switching stanzas around too. I think it is much better now. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

..that opening line is a real grabber now! I think you are right, moving the stanzas around was a solid move.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

I saw that after you showed me where it was wrong. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Wow! Really love the revision! This went from a little sensual to "Whoa Nelly!" And then the ending --almost makes me cry.
L

It only goes to show, a little critique can make a piece better. Thank you all!
~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

it is much more solid now...I like it too! (eddy styx)

I agree, *hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I think that it is much better now, that the intent is clear. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Is this inspired by something else maybe? Lol well I am off for a shower. Seems the humidity just went through the roof here phew.

This is beautifully and tastefully done.

Bravo

Love & Higgliest bugs Sis xox

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

could be. Thanks to all the great feedback I got, it turned out better than I imagined? LoL
Thanks Sis, love and higgest bugs, Bro.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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