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Understanding Eve

Her name was born
from Eden's fertile earth
where seduction slid
between her virgin feet,
kissing them with pretty words
of bliss and enlightenment.

It seems rather unfair
to have been so
tempted and tried.
Poor Eve had no way
to know the consequence
of eating forbidden fruit.

Just the hungry ecstasy
captured in that bite,
suckled and nursed until her
eyes were opened
to her shamed nakedness
as all sins of mankind
were shackled to her
flawless skin.

From this, we were
introduced to Woman
passed along by written word,
governed by incessant
control and superiority.

To Eve,
Mother of All Living, you share
courage with hearts of soldiers,
knowledge with minds of scholars,
hold favor in the soul of humankind
where you are now known
as Sister.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Still revising. Many thanks to all, especially Thomas and Race.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

She gets the blame but Adam was exercising free will when he took that bite.I appreciate you reminding folks that eve is the mother of all now walking around. Now I'll shut up before somebody accuses me of being a feminist lol

Thank you for dropping in to read and comment!
L

author comment

Amusing ...! @ Scribbler
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

all that stuff about Eve being the one who succumbed first; personally, I think it was Adam, and the MEN that wrote that stuff down, were making her take the blame. A nice job of shifting the blame, if you ask me. A somewhat humorous view of the
original sin huh? Nice job. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I'd have to agree that somewhere through time and telling - Eve was given a bum wrap!
Thank you!
L

author comment

EVE OR ADAM
all human creation both saw with opened eyes

wow what difference
apples bananas snakes peaches oranges who could ever resist none even till today so we all continue to say repeat it every day heavens still say both have been placed equal now all say
man woman
woe of men

Thank you for reading!
L

author comment

I've read this a number of times now as it is quite intriguing. If you are looking for moderate critique, I'd like to point out some issues I have with S2 and how it marries to the rest of the piece.
The bulk of the poem I find a measure of sensuality in, really strong and descriptive. Timeless imagery and foreboding tragedy.
Stanza 2 is watery by comparison and almost looks like it was added in after your muse took flight. I think if you work at this stanza, you could bring it up to the level of the others. You're obviously capable.
Specifically, the mention of WHO and "warning labels" detracts from the sensuality of the piece.

I hope you will work at this piece.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Thank you so much for reading so closely. S2 was to draw in a bit of today's many warnings we are given to avoid our inner and outer sins of the flesh, as it were. I agree it is a distraction, and actually was meant to be. I can also see that it takes away from the feel of the poem. I will strongly consider your suggestions, and am so grateful you stopped by. This is definitely a piece in the works.
L

author comment

..thank you for reworking this and your appreciation. It is a hundred fold more enjoyable!

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

I cannot thank you enough...
L

author comment

You know, I almost never comment on or criticize poems where the author wants 'moderate constructive criticism'. I figure if that's all they want, its not worth my time or theirs, or worth their anger and upset when I say things about their poem that they dislike.
But you wanted me to take a look, and I have.
I must say, This poem is very good. It's pretty difficult to use a subject like this one, and still find an original way to present it...and that, you have done.
Now for the criticism.
First, it's a bit prosodic, a bit 'wordy'. This is not necesserily a big problem, but with poems like this one, with this well-worn subject, It takes vivid and powerful evocative imagery to grab a reader's attention, so that they remember it, and come back to it.
As an Illustration of this, read your first verse, then read and compare the last verse to the first. The last verse is much more evocative, more vivid. More powerful in its meaning, and the feelings it invokes. The first verse should be like this also, because you want the reader to want to continue reading, and because you want the reader to feel that time was suspended as they were reading. And, because at the end, you want the reader to realize that they were holding thier breath.
But not to worry. Remember what I said about 'wordiness'? Most of the first verse avoids this; its only the last line that is the real problem, dropping the reader back down from the crest of feeling and meaning that was built up so well. Change the last line, and the rest will fall into place. But keep the meaning of the last line, because that meaning is spot-on.
I hope this helps.
Good writing, and great poetry, for such an oft-used subject.
Keep them coming, please!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Yes, this piece has always needed some work. I've set it aside for some time now, and I appreciate your suggestions and motivation. Not certain why I chose moderate critique, other than I didn't have an authentic sense in which direction the poem was heading. I understand and recognize there are areas to thin out and give sharper image. Thank you for your time and energy in helping me with this.
L

author comment

I always thought that story had to have been written by a man as the blame was placed squarely on Eve's shoulders. Adam was not forced into eating the apple and somehow managed to escape being shamed for it. I enjoyed your take on this immensely. Well done.

~RoseBlack~

This has turned out to be one of the most introspective pieces I've written. You never know what thoughts will emerge in a poem.
I thank you for reading!
L

author comment

Eve was tempted...Adam was stupid.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I appreciate your generous help.
L

author comment

I love this but I need to return with a more rested mind to do your artistry justice fine write John :)

I look forward to your thoughts.
Thank you!
L

author comment
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