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Faithless
Faithless
Another's hands
have warmed your world
swimming in your ocean of desire
invading our private sanctuary
you disclosed secret locations
that were created by us as lovers
while playing our music
you noticed the curve of her thigh
her warm breath on your lips
as your soul slid into her rapture
gently you held the arch of her back
as your momentary pleasure tore apart
the fortress stronghold of our loving
alone we are pitiable weak and bleeding
while Winter settles itself in the heart
*
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
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Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2022-07-15 19:25
My favorite lines are
The whole thing. I’m not opposed to free verse and I dabble. Sometimes reading it doesn’t sound they way the author intended but your writing is not like that at all. I’m not cosplaying Galadriel, I swear. But I am reading in a female voice. It’s both terrible and beautiful and acceptingly melancholic. Christ any line you pick is profound. It’s like a comic strip of little oil paintings that complete the previous.
Impressive,
Tim
Candlewitch
Sun, 2022-07-17 10:25
dear Tim,
I fear you are giving me a swelled head with your praise. thank you for telling me what you liked. you also must not be afraid to tell me about rough spots and things that hit your ear wrong. I write free verse the way I think and talk...Steve says that when I am excited, I talk backwards, lol!
*hugs, Cat
*
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author commentRosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2022-07-17 20:02
It’s the language
I think the plain fact here is, it’s very different from my writing. Even when I compose something loose I’m not saying it with the same intent or inflection. You waste very few words and that makes me think you really take time with them. I’m not much of a revisionist. I do revise of course but I kinda just crank it out and it is what it is. Lousy poems are good too.
If you want some critique I can say that I’m not always into the subject matter, poems about killing and murder aren’t really my deal, but I’m looking at the composition, and of course I do enjoy some horror genre stuff. A well told story is just that even if it ends in gratuitous blood spatter.
Enjoy the inflated Ego , you deserve it,
Tim
Candlewitch
Mon, 2022-07-18 11:34
dear Tim,
this is something that really happened to me. my husband (#2) and best friend were carrying on for a few month's before I caught on. of course i want your critique and value what you have to say.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2022-07-17 20:02
It’s the language
I think the plain fact here is, it’s very different from my writing. Even when I compose something loose I’m not saying it with the same intent or inflection. You waste very few words and that makes me think you really take time with them. I’m not much of a revisionist. I do revise of course but I kinda just crank it out and it is what it is. Lousy poems are good too.
If you want some critique I can say that I’m not always into the subject matter, poems about killing and murder aren’t really my deal, but I’m looking at the composition, and of course I do enjoy some horror genre stuff. A well told story is just that even if it ends in gratuitous blood spatter.
Enjoy the inflated Ego , you deserve it,
Tim
Rosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2022-07-17 20:03
It’s the language
I think the plain fact here is, it’s very different from my writing. Even when I compose something loose I’m not saying it with the same intent or inflection. You waste very few words and that makes me think you really take time with them. I’m not much of a revisionist. I do revise of course but I kinda just crank it out and it is what it is. Lousy poems are good too.
If you want some critique I can say that I’m not always into the subject matter, poems about killing and murder aren’t really my deal, but I’m looking at the composition, and of course I do enjoy some horror genre stuff. A well told story is just that even if it ends in gratuitous blood spatter.
Enjoy the inflated Ego , you deserve it,
Tim
Geezer
Sat, 2022-07-16 07:58
Sounds like...
a world torn apart, in "flagrant delicto." Another job for eddy?
Well and often told tale, but without screaming obscenties! ~ Geez.
.
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Candlewitch
Sun, 2022-07-17 10:33
dear Geezer,
this actually happened to me. I came home from my nursing job early because the Lady I cared for, her family came to visit her. they told me to go ahead and go home. that is what I came home to. I never wrote about it before without swearing!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRoseBlack
Sat, 2022-07-16 08:29
This
Is relatable to me on so many levels. An elegant way of portraying betrayal. Sounds like someone either brought their mistress or new person to all the places the two of you had been. It is a terrible feeling and a lot of audacity on the part of the spineless soul committing the offense. Another great piece.
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Sun, 2022-07-17 10:47
he was a spineless worm...
with a great body and a face to weep for... he, and my best girlfriend, you know the one who you finish each others sentences and love all the same things? she was blond and long legged with a porcelain completion. and incredible wit. I missed her terribly. it would be twenty years before I trusted enough to love again.
thinking back I didn't really love him like love is supposed to be....
*
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author commentc lynn brooks
Sun, 2022-07-17 13:38
Cat
Once again you have captured the moment and my interest
Chrys
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Candlewitch
Mon, 2022-07-18 11:40
dearest Chrys,
you can't know how good it is for me to see you! I sure hope that you are well and getting better! love ya, Cat
and eddy
*
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