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Mancill Drive
There’s a dying man
Next to my bed
And when the wind whistles
I remember what he said
Envelopes he gave to me
I stitch together the letters
Trying to find a family
A noose hangs from the shower head
And when water runs cold
I remember that I’m not dead
And I don’t know what he was
His ashes settled at the bottom,
My ocean of memories.
I don’t know what this is,
I just forgive myself cause I was a kid
It didn’t take a long while
To find that I was a lonely child
There’s a dying bird in the basement
But I’m too tired to go down and chase it
So I play the records I never found
Desperately trying to drown its panic out
There’s a story that I was never told
So I try and find it in the pictures
I might remember when I’m old
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Mon, 2022-06-06 08:06
hello,
I really liked these lines:
There’s a dying man
Next to my bed
And when the wind whistles
I remember what he said
Envelopes he gave to me
I stitch together the letters
Trying to find a family
A noose hangs from the shower head
And when water runs cold
I remember that I’m not dead
a very melancholic write...I like!
*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy
*
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professor jinx
Tue, 2022-06-07 08:18
Thank you!
Yes, very melodic as this is actually a song I wrote, if anyone is interested I will post a link to a youtube video once I record the song :)
Thank you :)
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2022-06-06 09:28
I have...
nothing to offer in the way of critique, just wanted to comment on a poem that I think has some measure of merit. I do agree with Cat [Candlewitch] when she says that it is a good piece of melancholic poetry. I can see the whole picture that you are trying portray; [although I'm sure not in detail]; I see an artist [yourself] that was encouraged by someone who has passed on
and you reading letters or notes that he wrote to you, trying to guide you. You wish that you knew more about his life previous to meeting him, to understand what made him what he was, so that you can figure out where to go from here. "I don't know what he was, his ashes settled at the bottom. My ocean of memories. [I would add the [in] "In my ocean of memories".
~ Geezer.
.
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professor jinx
Tue, 2022-06-07 08:20
Thank you
Thank you, I appreciate your comment and insight.
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