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My Lost Rib

Submitted by Mr joghe on Sun, 2022-05-15 18:58

My lost rib, slumber to my eyes
Between life and death,
Rest to my soul in an aisle of fire and water;
Hang like rubicons of honour on my neck;
Paint my lips with long in the tooth kisses
That fell in with your virgin lips
Like a toy in the shape of a barrel that emits sounds of laughter.

My lost rib, take your feet off from the mud
And step on the bland soil that shield with honour
You’ve been tossed to and fro by the glittering scenes of the lavishers.
Drop the anchor of sell-out for consort;
To all intents and purposes,
Your love has taken me by the storm
When it’s all over in a flash;
I can view your heart in black and white;
Not until you loose your long Johns.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

The poem emphasizes the poet lover. Appealing to his lover...

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Challenge Contest # 15

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2022-05-15 23:11

I like your title...

it brought me in. Your language use is good and the theme is great! Your use of innuendo makes this piece stand out. I am glad that I got to read this before a lot of others, so that the waters aren't muddied. Language use is good and the internal logic is good too. You must use the challenge title as your title, otherwise you will not recieve a certificate for completing the challenge. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Mr joghe

Tue, 2022-05-17 10:36