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"Before Dusk"

Submitted by Oluwatobi on Wed, 2022-05-04 16:42

Before dusk comes the glorious dawn,
with the appearance of light in the sky,
Awakening man from their realm of slumbering into reality,
telling the birds from their nest an alarm of the early dawn chorus,

Before dusk, comes the turbulent storm of an ocean,
that reverberate like an echo of music,
Where creatures of seas revel in ectasy,
with hope of reviving "before the dusk".

Before dusk, comes the prowess lion,
crying deep in the glade of the jungle,
Looking for preys to devour,
For the early -morning sacrifice.

Before dusk, comes all facet of man's activities,
that gives man the possibilities of resting after dawn.

But after dawn,
Comes the glorious dusk,
where there is closure of all facet of man activities,
After dawn, the turbulent storm remains calm like the graveyard,
where creatures of the sea that reveled in the dawn
returns home into the boundless deep.
After dawn, the prowess lion with all agilities returns home got it's rest.

So life is about striving when it's still dawn,
the dusk is coming where there won't be hope and possibilities of doing what we ought to do at dawn.

Let keep striving when it's still dawn
That we may rest when it's dusk.

©️#Tobit_Lines
#Dedicated_ to_all_youths.
#Use_your_time_wisely.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Race_9togo

Thu, 2022-05-05 04:56

Race_9togo's picture
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From Nigeria, huh? You got some big shoes to fill, my young friend, with great poets like Nana Asma’u, Chinua Achebe (one of my favorites) and Tolu Akinyemi (Poetolu).

I like what your trying to do here. I like it very much. But I think you could improve this a great deal, by going over the grammer and syntax with a fine-toothed comb. The imagery is great, the meaning is there, and its consistent. It just gets choppy with the grammatical and syntactical errors. But not to worry. It still holds the meaning very well.
So try to smooth things out a bit, and let's see how powerful your poem can become.
Good job. Keep writing.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Candlewitch

Thu, 2022-05-05 08:30

Candlewitch's picture
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in S1 L3: "Awakening man from their realm of slumbering into reality," you could make these changes: "Awakening man from (his) realm of slumbering into reality," or use:
Awakening (men) from their realm of slumbering into reality,

S2 L3: Where creatures of (the)seas revel in ectasy, (ecstasy)

S3 L1 : Before dusk, comes the prowess lion, Before dusk, comes the (powerful) lion, or the (ferocious) lion

S3 L3: Looking for preys to devour, remove the ("s") from prey

S5 L4: that gives man the possibilities of resting after dawn. (men) instead of man

S6 L3 : where there is closure of all facet of man activities, (men) instead of man.

then reread what Race has written in your comments and follow it.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Oluwatobi

Thu, 2022-05-05 23:32

Oluwatobi's picture

Thank you very much.

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