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AUTUMNAL FUN REDONE IT'S REAL FUN

Submitted by lovedly on Fri, 2022-04-01 18:44

Autumn arrives again
trees wind stripped-nudity
gals dance about a pole
shed their clothes
like lifeless leaves

they show all
lays beneath skin

no fruits dangling
apples and bananas
no breasts
no busts
no peaches
all cast
as autumn arrives

oldies like me too walk about
in autumn
me and you
dance about in the park
semi nude
no hat no tie
shirt only
lol

if trees can show
can't they
all ask me

you can't simulate trees
so many autumns
all have seen
naked like multi colored
lovelies
autumn leaves

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2022-04-02 09:42

Geezer's picture
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Certainly, as we get older, there are things that dangle. LoL
I see this as a rewrite from an earlier piece and you have done pretty well. I do wonder at the lines: " if trees can show, can't they all ask me. Did you mean; [thee], instead of they? Your lack of punctuation doesn't help. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

lovedly

Sat, 2022-04-02 21:39

lovedly's picture

let the revised poem be danglers like hanging brass bells all can see let age pass by then you will know this new version has its own glow maybe no flow still blessings do bestow ere guys like us go......ellipses for your taste are free

do u know I won the COLOUR EMOTION CONTEST earlier you had read thanks GEEEEEEZ

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2022-04-03 01:24

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

send you congratulations? I certainly meant to! I guess my day wasn't going so well, and I forgot. I do that occasionally.
My brain is not so good at short-term memories. Congratulations and special ovations. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

lovedly

Mon, 2022-10-24 04:50

lovedly's picture

YOU WOULD BE HAPPY
THIS GOT A FIRST PAGE PICK
AUTUMNS KIDS //LEAVES R WE
wee we
ABOUT YOU I can;' say

but maybe
only me

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