To say you were my favorite person would be an understatement
How articulate you speak
How introspectively you see the world
How good you are with people
How you always seemed to be one step ahead in understanding others emotions

Even though you are younger you had a way with words and people that I envied

Your personality was bright
You always had a smile on your face
People always seemed to be drawn in to you
While my jealousy of your virtues pushed me to work harder
My love and admiration never faltered

You were the second-grade kid that could outdo teachers
You could spit facts they would have to check
You were always the kid others looked to for answers in class
You were always the one that knew how to talk your way out of trouble
You never missed a beat when they doubted you
Because you knew your brain never lied

To have a brain like yours was an incredible thing

You always knew how to put a smile on my face
To retell a joke that you remembered
Or to tell me a random fact that could make me laugh
You were always the light in the room

I don't know when it all started to change

I can now see that your eyes no longer gleam
I can no longer see that light you once held
I wish I knew what changed
I wish there was anything I could have done to help

I miss my little brother

The one that would have witty debates with me across the hallway between our rooms
The one that constantly dragged me outside to build forts and collect rocks
The one that would always remind me to forgive him after we fought

When did the space between us get so large
When did I lose the ability to recognize you

Your sharp tongue no longer makes strikes in a lighthearted fashion
Your mind no longer desires to collect the words around you
Your face no longer holds that friendly smile

I know what you are going through must be too much for you to bear
I know your intent is not to hurt me when your anger grows into the beast
And I know your harsh words that you send with daggers are just an unfortunate side effect
But they cut me deep nonetheless

I know you didn't mean to break my door when I wouldn't let you in
I know you didn't mean to knock me out when I wouldn’t let you stay with me and my friends
I know you didn't mean to hit my head against the basement railing and leave me out cold and bleeding on the concrete floor

I see you are having a hard time
I see how you are trapped with the beast in your brain
I understand you have no other way to process your anger
I know you have regret after these actions but can no longer find the words to make amends

The brain I once envied has now become your prison
The hurt you feel and cause is justified in that brain
The actions you aren't fully aware of in the moment are blocked out by that brain

While I no longer envy that brain you have
I understand it
While I no longer go to seek your company
I remember it
While I give you the impression that I fear you
I still love you

My little brother
I miss you

And I forgive you