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The Bench
I'm this concrete bench, If I could only talk, let me tell you a great love story.
I had been a silent witness to countless hours of two lovers'
undying love and vows for each other.
While sitting on my bench, they wouldn't mind people
passing by; always oblivious of life's going-on,
only caring, dreaming, wholeheartedly loving.
One time, this old guy visited my greying, decaying,
rustic bench. Oh, what a surprise for him,
I still look new, untouched by the clock's hands passing
Both of us are old now, but I'll always be fresh,
See how love can veil one's eyes, seeing things differently?
What a joy for me, witnessing this unbreakable, unbowed love.
Where are these lovers now?
With only one of them sitting on me
Though my heart breaks, let it be, let it be.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Race_9togo
Tue, 2022-02-01 00:19
Hello Williej
I like the title.
I find your language use is a bit prosaic; it could do with some editing, to remove superflous words like "and" and "the". A re-work of the lines on this basis would improve the flow, and the beauty of the piece.
In general I like your cadence, but again, the wordiness tends to make the flow of words choppy, in places.
I really do like the theme. Its quite original.
The beginning is a bit verbose, but I really like the last stanza, it stays with me after reading.
And the poem stays focused, and on track, in spite of the aformentioned problems.
All in all, this is good. It can be even better...so I look forward to your edit.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Wed, 2022-02-02 13:59
This is good.
It flows better now. The cadence and rhythm are much improved, and you have done it without changing the meaning and message.
Last line "Thou"? Should it be "Though"?
Good poem. Keep it up.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
williej
Thu, 2022-02-03 21:44
Thanks so much for guiding me
Thanks so much for guiding me all the way in crafting this poem--willie
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