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GRANDMA'S FIXING IN THE KITCHEN

My Grandma I can't wait to see her !
The wrinkled old sweet dear. kind eyes
Toothless sincere smile. offered me a
an old wagon wheel shape weighless
Tin I grin in politeness. I know what's

In the abyss. CRUMBS MOULDY
BISCUITS that waft deep in my
Nasels cavity old factory. She always
Watchers and never leaves my side

Until I have to gamble a hlf moon grey
Chestnut ancient broken brown cookie
and tease it in my mouth. The tellys
On loud like shouting in a concert crowd

Her hunched hunchback silhouette
Shuffling back to the kitchen. I'M JUST
GOING to FIX you SOMETHING ! SHE has
good heart but I know what it's going
To be. A hot scolding cup of stringy tea !

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Had fun with this one I wanted it to go dark but I kept it light
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

We are certainly hoping that you are joking, Jokerface! I don't want to have to be saying that we heard it here first!
This is scarier than most of my Killer ones, because it rings true. These scenarios happen way more often than I would like!
I don't find anything technically wrong, except the use of [too] in the line "after I've danced to this last track". This is like a rap, so I am not going to bother you about punctuation. I wrote one kind of like this a while ago, so you might want to check it out.
Good writing. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Cool I will thank you

author comment

mention that the name of the poem is "Explosion" ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I was going to ask you that ! I have seen you have quite a few poems I shall check it out cheers

author comment

that appears in the poem is mass killings! I know it's comic act. But it drops scene of uncertainty and perhaps after the shooting he would escape.

Nice one.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

Hes ready to end his , life and kill as many as possible because he has suffered so much so each killing is a relief for him but he doesn't want to live hes done

author comment

editing this one, it might help if you arranged it in stanzas. This is just a silly example, but it it might help with the metre and show opportunities to add internal rhyme.

There's a glock in my sock
that I'm ready to cock
gonna shock
gonna aim it at you

There's a glock in my sock
and you're gonna walk
down the block
to the kangaroo zoo

The kanga! the kanga!
he's gonna get ranga
gonna rangatang all over you

And you're gonna cry
cause you don't wanna die
cause the greedy
get needy and fry

The chicken's a cluck
a bad motherf*k
better duck or he'll peck out your eye!

Again, just a silly example.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Nice one yeah I need too do stanza

author comment

Your right mark thank you

author comment

A lazy writer and just jot ideas down before I forget ha

author comment

writing down ideas before you forget them as being lazy! I often jot down an idea so that I don't forget, while I am waiting in the car for my wife or an appointment. The laziness comes when one transforms the idea into a work. I know that sometimes, I revisit an idea and may be semi-bored with it by the time I can get around to it. This can contribute to a Laz fare attitude. In which case, you might want to put it aside for the time being and just hang on to it in a notebook or something. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I see it with paragraphs etc but obviously not to the reader yes once I've jotted down ideas I will smooth it out more lol ty

author comment

Delete

author comment

Working on it

author comment

Needs polishing

author comment

I am a proponent of using stanza breaks but in my opinion they would not fit this poem. The protagonist is obviously bot high and insane so his thoughts rambling and continuous fit well. BUT the misspells need correcting. The poem itself likely mirrors the thoughts of a lot of the mass killers who spew their death and hatred in these biden times

True there ramblings of a mad man . Please point out my spelling that I need to correct I can't see it ? Ty

author comment

Update had fun going back to this one

author comment
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