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Take a Bite
An ecstasy of needing.
Overwhelmingly seeking.
How great are the first demands?
The feel of warm skin
Sparks the embers within.
How pure is a Mother's love?
The scars and skinned knees.
That stinger; fear of bees!
How true are the lessons we learn?
Love found and then lost.
All the lies and their cost.
How dear is the price we pay?
That peace can be found
By removing one's crown.
How sweet is accepting the truth?
If life is an apple that lands in your bowl
Take a big bite; feed your soul!
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This one was inspired by a mentor of sorts long ago. He would always say, treat life like an apple and take a big bite...
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
scribbler
Tue, 2021-09-28 00:14
life is like an apple
except unlike chocolates we always know what we get (sans worms lol)
Geezer
Wed, 2021-09-29 12:53
I get the theme...
but feel that the [pure] vision isn't quite right. I'm not sure that I have the answer for it, but it seems to me that the only [pure] line that really works is: "How pure is a Mother's love?" Maybe the other lines can be made to come into focus are:
1] "How [great] are the first demands?"
3] "How necessary the lessons we learn?"
4] "How dear is the price we pay?"
5] "How sweet is accepting the truth?"
Of course, this is your work and these are just suggestions.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Owl Has My Soul
Wed, 2021-09-29 23:19
Thank you Geez, I believe you
Thank you Geez, I believe you are completely correct...
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2021-09-30 09:19
I do believe...
I forgot to mention that I think that your title is good and fits the theme and that your pace and rhythm equally so. This piece works its' way through the story very nicely. Good job! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.