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Of water (I)

the water fills me.
my mouth
                    d
                       r
                         i
                           p
                              s
on muddy grounds;

though my lips are arid
                                            and
  all I can think is you;
                                your face
                                                  drowning

                                                m
                                                e.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Thank you so much for your time, seeing this piece!

author comment

Is this visual poetry? concrete poetry? I'm never sure of the difference. I'm afraid I can't offer much thoughtful commentary on this style or e e cummings-like punctuation so I'll just give my impression. I feel like the first "drips" works well. For me, the drowning "me" doesn't work as well - maybe not enough letters in "me" for a visual impact. I think of drowning as a panicky, spastic experience, inconsistent with the drip of two letters. I don't know about the "and." Would something be lost without it? I get a sense of uneasiness and menace from this poem - water as danger and not as life-giving. Good to see a different form on the site. I'm curious to see your other works.

Thank you so much! New works are coming soon... So happy I have found this community!

author comment

you've certainly made a splash, in your debut here! Not many of us here, have the knowledge of, or the inclination to, take advantage of advanced format. That being said; I like the emotion behind the work. It seems as though, one has the drowning of a personality by a lover as the premise? ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thank you so much! This is exactly the feeling of this poem, the despair, the unhappiness of a relationship or even a misbehaviour that leads to a drowning...

author comment

I'm thinking this person is young enough to understand the technology, and, old and wise enough to be good at poetry,,,,,,,,,,,,,, lets all be a bit jealous eh ????

I am.~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

The truth is that visual, blackout and erasure poetry are some of my favourite genres of writing!

author comment

Thank you!

author comment

Thank you!

author comment
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