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Of water (I)

the water fills me.
my mouth
                    d
                       r
                         i
                           p
                              s
on muddy grounds;

though my lips are arid
                                            and
  all I can think is you;
                                your face
                                                  drowning

                                                m
                                                e.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

You got advanced formatting very fast. Don't see it a lot around here.
Through my lips are what? Hmm perhaps a typo?
Maybe take are out?
ground or grounds hmm.. might think about that as well.
Welcome once again and a great first post,

Make Critique Please

Is this visual poetry? concrete poetry? I'm never sure of the difference. I'm afraid I can't offer much thoughtful commentary on this style or e e cummings-like punctuation so I'll just give my impression. I feel like the first "drips" works well. For me, the drowning "me" doesn't work as well - maybe not enough letters in "me" for a visual impact. I think of drowning as a panicky, spastic experience, inconsistent with the drip of two letters. I don't know about the "and." Would something be lost without it? I get a sense of uneasiness and menace from this poem - water as danger and not as life-giving. Good to see a different form on the site. I'm curious to see your other works.

you've certainly made a splash, in your debut here! Not many of us here, have the knowledge of, or the inclination to, take advantage of advanced format. That being said; I like the emotion behind the work. It seems as though, one has the drowning of a personality by a lover as the premise? ~ Geezer.
.

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Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
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There are no Edits lol
Love it!
A real pleasure,

Make Critique Please

I'm thinking this person is young enough to understand the technology, and, old and wise enough to be good at poetry,,,,,,,,,,,,,, lets all be a bit jealous eh ????

I am.~ Geez.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

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