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The Program

Submitted by Viviana Smith on Wed, 2021-08-25 09:50

Painting your picture
Inside my mind

Wanting to keep you
All of the time

Don't ever leave me
Cause I won't forgive you

Saving your image
And saving mine too

What kind of things do they put in my head?
What is true and who is dead?

What is real and what is not?
Who stayed and who fought?

Am I sick or Is this just a dream?
Why do I feel death's beckoning?

Is this reality or is it blurred?
The pictures are different, and so are the words

What's really happening and who's on your side?
You'll doubt all the kindness until two worlds collide

So keep your friend's close
And your enemies closer

Cause who you've known for life
might just be a closer

Your parents and teachers might have been spying
But as you should know everyone's lying

Don't take that pill, you might spill your guts
Then they'll ask questions 'bout all of your cuts

They want the truth and they'll erase your doubt
So put on that smile and never a pout

Cause everything you think what you know
Might just be in a place where lost people go

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Triskelion

Fri, 2021-08-27 18:03

Triskelion's picture
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The program appears to discriminate against our natural thought processes and tendencies of youthful resistance to conformance. Everyone wants to be different or unique, which we are anyway, but free, which can be good.
Your title is intriguing and rhythm is fair. The repeated word "closer" is a little confusing, probably because I'm out of touch with contemporary uses of the word.
I don't care much for the theme, but that's a highly subjective area, so take my critique as you would a grain of salt.
I liked the beginning and the end and your point comes across well, so your logic is fine.
I'm no a pro at critique, but an effort by an author deserves an effort in return.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

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