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Springtime Haiku...
brightly hued blossoms
chill breezes, frozen fingers
delight in her grasp
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Triskelion
Sat, 2021-06-26 07:34
This is
my idea of haiku. It introduces the season with suggestions and finishes with a surprise line that ties the other two lines together. I especially enjoyed your use of two of our six senses, but the emotive last line is a perfect frame. Very good!
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Geezer
Sat, 2021-06-26 13:16
Thank you...
I kept the original idea and the last line, because I thought that you had a point. Thank you for your read and comment. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Obadiah Grey
Sat, 2021-06-26 09:33
Hello, Geez.
Hello, Geez.
You've wasted two words with personal pronouns, the "nature" bit is fine but why are you in it.
Hate these damned things btw,,, a tad beyond me,,, yeah yeah yeah, a personal pronoun, I know!
Obi.
Geezer
Sat, 2021-06-26 13:13
there!...
no personal pronouns! Thank you for your critique, it made me go back and take a second look at the form! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Lavender
Sun, 2021-06-27 21:51
Springtime Haiku
Hello, Geezer,
You have captured the essence of Spring. Your last line is wonderful!
Thank you!
L
Geezer
Mon, 2021-06-28 05:33
Thank you...
I appreciate your comments, especially since they are favorable. LoL
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Mon, 2021-06-28 11:58
Hi Geeze
Try a comma between breezes and frozen. It might clarify your intent