Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Alone

Submitted by Jocelyn Ross on Mon, 2021-05-24 22:53

Alone that’s all I really feel.
I can be in a room full of people and feel like I'm the only one there.
And if I do feel the presence of people
all I have to do is stare off into space.

Mom says she knows that stare,
the look of me trying to block out the world.
The stare that carries pure pain.
The stare where it looks as if I was debating my whole existence.
That one look that holds no emotion on my face.

I find myself doing that a lot.
It's like everything goes numb, and moms right,
I do it to block out the world.

Sometimes I don't even notice when I do it
I can be having a whole conversation and completely lose focus
as I’ve lost complete interest in the world.

I find myself staring when I’m in the most pain
because I’d rather be numb
than feel the pain that's building up inside of me.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2021-05-25 08:27

Welcome to Neo...

I can feel the emotion, rolling from the page.
I am not particularly fond of the subject, but recognize
that there are those out there, that do not carry a lot
of optimism. Unfortunately, you seem to be one of them.
I do hope that being able to write of your feelings, will help.

I would hope, that a feeling of accomplishment, will help to dispel
that sense of pain. And I do believe that you will gain that feeling
by developing your poetry skills. You have managed to write about
something that is hurting you and this alone can be of great help.

My only criticism is that you use a quantifying 'just' as though your problem
is a 'little' thing; which it is obviously not. In my opinion, [just] doesn't belong here.
I would remove it and I think that you will see that it 'just' doesn't matter
and possibly makes things smoother.

Try:
I can be having a conversation and lose focus;
as though I have completely lost interest in the whole world.

Otherwise, your work seems coherent and tells the story well.
I look forward to many more pieces from you and hope that you find
that sense of accomplishment in telling your stories. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Obadiah Grey

Wed, 2021-05-26 13:46