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The call
A call, one call is all it took to turn this planet upside down
One call, and we were on our way to four walls filled with grief
We busted through the doors in fear and confusion,
I turn this corner to find my brother standing at the end of what seems like a long dark hallway
I rush to him to find answers of this mystery call, four hours is all I hate to say goodbye to life that gave me mine, I open this thin white curtain to find her unconscious with multiple tubes that seem to be the only thing keeping me from her.
The tears roll down my face creating a pond on the tile below me, my words were stolen from me by this numb wall of terror “big bug” no response … momma! Busted out of my mouth with no warning with no control like a soldier yelling at battle, my knees hit the floor causing an ungodly vibration throughout the room filled with silhouette’s.
“we did everything we could” would be the words I never knew I could never forget
Records were broken they said as if that helped, “How …” the only words I could conjure from my throat. no answers, no eye contact
A room filled with all the people of her now soon to be ended life
Cold, still and quiet as she laid on a bed that was not her own
They come in and the room goes cold, they take the things keeping me from her away
As I feel her arm decent from her body in my hands, I feel a hand on my broken body
“she’s gone “is the words it took for me to go numb, and to never be the same after November 3rd, 2018.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Explicit Content
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Comments
Race_9togo
Sat, 2021-05-22 02:25
Greetings Laylay18,
Powerful stuff. A heart-rending that each of us goes through, in one form or another, and you capture the terrible helpless emotion of it very well.
Try this. Read your work aloud, to yourself, and see where the natural pauses are.
Something like this:
A call, one call is all it took to turn this planet upside down
One call, and we were on our way to four walls filled with grief
We busted through the doors in fear and confusion,
A call,
one call is all it took
to turn this planet upside down.
One call,
and we were on our way
to four walls filled with grief.
We busted through the doors
in fear and confusion.
Do you see what I mean?
Structure on the page heightens intensity of thought, and emotion, of poetry, particularly when it is as good as this.
I hope this helps; I know you only wanted moderate criticism, but this poem really is very good.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
laylay1818
Thu, 2024-02-29 20:16
Thank you
Race ,
I know it has been some time since I have last posted my work but reading this gave me motivation to dive back into my work , I see exactly what you mean and thank you very much for the criticism!
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