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THE ONE I LOVE

Submitted by John Lars Zwerenz on Wed, 2021-05-19 01:09

THE ONE I LOVE

It is not Juliet whom I adore,
Nor Beatrice, nor the florid, glistening lore
Of fair Aphrodite, nor Atana's fair face. -

No.

The one I love is dressed in lace,
And wanders silently beside the gilded shore.

And lo! -

She commands all the lilies in the glen,
Where she walks among the statuary,
In the cloister of the square,
On a path in the russet garden,
Where
Her felicity
Breeze blown, now here, now there,
Rides like a leaf in the redolent air.

JOHN LARS ZWERENZ

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

atorn

Wed, 2021-05-19 22:26

atorn's picture

I always am thrilled to come upon a love poem that is divine and not cliche and I believe you have accomplished this admirably, Bravo and thanks for sharing it was a pleasure to read

Race_9togo

Sat, 2021-05-22 02:11

Race_9togo's picture
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Difficult to write a love poem without the boring cliché's and in the main, avoiding that one little four-letter word that traps most amateurs with over-use.
You pulled this off quite well, with a sparsity of words, good structure, implied depths of feeling, and vivid description. I see you took my previous critique of your work, and worked with it. Please remember that Neopoet is a workshop, designed to help you improve your skills. The one thing that will stop you from doing this is ego, the 'oh I'm so damned good I don't NEED to edit'.
I know, because my damned ego is beyond huge, when it comes to writing.
No professional writer ever thinks that what he writes is perfect. Instead, they listen, to editors, critics, friends, family, whoever will give them honest opinions of their writing, and they act upon it.

Keep them coming.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

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