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Visions
I can see it happening again
It plays on repeat in my head like a movie
I’m floating
To the reality of fear
Everything around me is just a blur
All I can do is shake
My chest gets heavy
I can not breathe
I’m crying but there are no tears
I become frozen
I want to move
No, not just move
Run
I want to run
But it’s as if I’m stuck in cement
As I’m sinking into the cement
I finally open my eyes
I can see the objects around me
I can breathe
I feel peace again
I now walk off as like nothing even happened
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Fri, 2021-05-14 07:46
hello,
I know that dream and I hate it! I hate it almost as much as the dream where I can't scream... I open my mouth and nothing comes out...then I wake up in a cold sweat! I think you could use a different title.something that is more in keeping with the guts of the poem. maybe "Quicksand" or "Helpless" or something as to how you feel. poem needs work, but is worth the while.
*hugs, Cat
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Geezer
Fri, 2021-05-14 15:23
I would...
trim some of these lines to say:
1] "Playing like a movie on repeat in my head"
2] "Everything around me, a blur"
3] "I'm crying without tears"
4] "As I sink into the pavement"
5] Walking off as though nothing ever happened"
Of course, you may use whatever you like
and are under no obligation to use any of it.
Maybe you have some things that you wish to try yourself.
I hope that I may have been of some help. ~ Geez.
.
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c lynn brooks
Sat, 2021-05-15 14:06
too
To many "I's) in this poem there is a way to correct that
example:line 8 it's difficult to breathe
9 drop "I'm)
10 becoming frozen
11 yet wanting to move
ans so on. Your readers understand that it is you that you aree writing about, so they need not be told I I I see where I am going with this just retstructure you liines.
Chrys
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lovedly
Sun, 2021-05-30 21:52
if I were you
I would first thank all above/// who have spent time on you
So my first comment would be
remove all the I's and simplify your mind
self imposed tensions
ms
and in poetry even imagery must be thoughtful
ur stuck in cement the sinking I can't imagine .
may think ms