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holding it in or letting it out
It's this delicate dance between affection and lust.
Do I tell you you’re a maybe, or that you are a must?
The more I show the less you feel,
How do I say I love you without being left in the dust.
If I never give it to you how do I gain more of your trust?
Your like 1930; you're bringing me from boom to the bust
Should I act upon my love or let it sit there and rust?
I promise if you leave me I wont make a big fuss,
Ill just bottle up inside about how I feel its unjust.
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Comments
Ray Whitaker
Thu, 2021-05-06 21:09
Sounds like she/he is ‘way more than lust
Perhaps the more modern culture would sanction lust with love, however i would address these separately. Great rhyming.
Just a suggestion... you’re of course the final judge... i would drop the first line, and leave the rest. Then put together a new stanza using that first line, that examines the whole lust/love thing. then do a third stanza where you write your Decision wether he/she is worth your love, or only gets your lust.
It could go to a comedic bit, depending...
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Geezer
Fri, 2021-05-07 12:47
I think that...
your first line has merit. I do believe that you could switch the first and second lines and get more out of them. Get rid of the third line, it only echoes the meaning of the next line. Delete the line about 1930's and bust, it has no relevance. Here is how I would present this piece:
Do I tell you you're a maybe
or that you're a must?
It's this delicate dance
between affection and lust
How do I say that I love you
and not be left in the dust?
If I never give it to you
how do I gain your trust?
Should I act upon my love
or let it sit there and rust?
I promise if you leave me
I won't make a big fuss
I'll just keep it inside, feel it's unjust
Of course, as always, any and all of this is yours to use or dismiss. ~ Geezer.
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samary
Mon, 2021-05-10 06:27
Is this a poem for the Narrative wirkshop
Its a nice love poem but it feels much more lyric than narrative to me.
A rhymed poem with one unrhymed line its making a point but if you are using it as a standout then I would make ut more of a statement up the word choice.
I love the rhythm of the piece.