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Self punishment

See there's this girl
yeah shes my friend
In fact shes my sister
that's till the end

But the ends coming fast
because shes very stressed
shes stressed
shes stressed
about whats coming next

She cuts through her skin
with blades and with pins
so will someone please help her
before the devil wins

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Comments

Hi Aaliyah,

Welcome to Neopoet, and thank you for sharing this work with us!

This is obviously a very personal and emotional piece for you. First, let me say that I hope your sister is seeking some help, or has already received it.

To the poem: The title, rhythm and language usage, are very good. I wouldn't change any of the words - very powerful, so all of my input is really about some punctuation to clean up a few minor things. Suggestion below:

Self Punishment

See there's this girl,
yeah she's my friend
In fact she's my sister,
that's till the end

But the end is coming fast
because she's very stressed
she's stressed
she's stressed
about what's coming next

She cuts through her skin
with blades and with pins,
so will someone please help her
before the devil wins

Really good write, and thank you again for sharing this very personal effort. All of us here at Neopoet hope to see more of your work.

Be well.

Best

Michael Anthony

Michael
I really appreciate your advice and i am willing to look and work on my punctuation.
Thank you .

author comment

Welcome to neopoet!
I fully understand your poem. I myself struggle with severe anxiety and depression. I know that telling an adult can help somewhat but it usually make things worse. I suggest you talk to your sister about this. Maybe do a little thing ever other day or week to show her how much you love her and that you aren't ready for her to leave this world. Here are some of my poems that I have written about this issue in my life. Maybe you can read them and get a better understanding of what she is going through
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/inside-me
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/depression-1
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/flashbacks-0

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

Vivi
Thank you so much for the suggestions
I really appreciate it.

author comment

you have been dealing with this for some time. Have you spoken to her about this? As the others have said, it is important that she knows how much you need her in your life. Tell her! Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what. Nice work, and I could feel the pain of what you are going through. It comes through strong and that is what important in writing, that your reader feels the emotion! Good work. ~ Geezer.
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